Well, in exactly seven days, I will put the whole story on this blog. For now, I’ll just give you a sneak peek of chapter one.
Seinfeld Invades The Office, Chapter One.
Seinfeld: “The Penny”
Jerry Seinfeld is in New York’s best comedy club, and is giving a routine.
”You know, I’ve never understood toll booths. You let some complete idiot run a stand that gives you free money. Someone could just steal half of it for personal gain. With all the pennies, nickels, dimes, and occasional dollars, someone could pay for their kid’s life. ‘Let’s see. Milly needs some new braces, I’ll take this much money. Hmmm…The fridge is broken, that’s more money. Bob needs some new clothes.’” Jerry pretends to dial a phone. ‘“Hi, honey, I’m at work. Do you need any money for groceries?
“Jerry paces around his apartment, like a caged beast.” Kramer said in a movie director’s voice/
“Kramer, can you stop that?!” Jerry yelled. “This is a horrible idea! Who would want you to become a nature documentary narrator?”
“Hey, Jerry, I know people. Remember Tim, from the downtown movie theater? He recently got fired for eating all the popcorn!” Kramer gleefully explained.
“Oh, yeah. That guy. He was always pestering me to star in a movie based on a script that he made. Wait, what does this have to do with nature documentaries?”
“He now works at Mary’s Macadamia Nut store. And before you ask what nature documentaries have to do with macadamia nuts, I’ll tell you. Mary is working on a nature documentary based on the mythical green flamingo.”
Jerry burst out laughing. “That’s ridiculous! The ‘green flamingo’ is a myth! What idiot believes in the green flamingo?”
Newman opened the door.
Jerry turned to face him. “Hello, Newman.” he said snidely.
“Hello, Jerry.” Newman replied smugly. “And, for your information, Jerry, the wild green flamingo is not a myth. It’s one hundred percent fact.”
“Oh, really? Where did you read about it? The National Enquirer, perhaps? Another tabloid that prints nothing but lies?”
“You just don’t appreciate fine literature, being a lowly stand-up comedian. I read it in the Weekly Monthly Daily Yearly Biyearly Globe. ”
“Isn’t that a little much?” Jerry inquired.
“Well, it used to be the Weekly Monthly Daily Yearly Biyearly Secondly Minutely Globe Herald Bonanza.” Kramer and Newman left the room, animatedly talking about Kramer’s newest scheme. As they left, the buzzer rang.
“Who is it?” Jerry asked.
The response came quickly. “It’s George.”
A few moments later, George came up.
“I have had it with that woman!” he ranted. “HAD IT!! That woman is a lunatic! She should be locked up in an insane asylum! No, Alcatraz! No, Guantanamo Bay!”
“So what you’re saying is that she’s just like you, then?” Jerry said sarcastically. “What’s bugging you this time? Did she talk too much about important things? Or, heaven forbid, did she ask you about your feelings? The horror!”
“Yeah, yeah, very funny, comedy boy. She broke a very important law of relationships! Perhaps the most important one of all!”
“The Toilet Seat Clause? There’s always a big controversy over that. Or maybe the meal-paying? Tips?”
“No. She broke the Penny Code, while at Jack’s Jelly Jamboree,. You know, the new dessert place. I found a penny on the ground, and she picked it up, without asking me if I wanted it. It’s the absolute pinnacle of every successful relationship.”
“That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. You haven’t had any successful relationships. Well, except for Susan, but she died.”
“Again, very funny. Just laugh it up, while old Georgey wallows in misery.”
“Oh, just stop it with the self-pity routine already! What’s going on?”
“Well, the only rule in the Penny Code is this. ‘If a couple shalt find a penny, then the finder must first offer it to the findee.’ The only exception is if the penny finder is alone.”
“Wow. I was wrong. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of. Can I use that in a comedy routine? Anyway, why does a measly penny matter so much? You have tons of pennies! I have tons of pennies!”
“It’s the principle of the thing.” George replied. “Did you know that I paid for almost everything I own with found pennies? They call me…‘The Penny Spotter!’”
Jerry rolled his eyes. “Oh, please.”
Meanwhile, Elaine was shopping at at a hat store.
“Excuse me,” she said politely to a clerk, “I would like to buy this hat.” She help up a large, green hat with a garishly pink feather in the brim.
“I might want it for parties.” Elaine explained.
“Whatever you say, Yankee Doodle Dandy.” the woman replied. Elaine stared, astonished, at the rude cashier.
A couple of minutes later, Elaine sat in the familiar coffee shop, complaining.
“And she just called me Yankee Doodle, like the person from that nursery rhyme. Why would I be stupid enough to mistake a feather for macaroni?”
Jerry said in return, “It meant ‘something easy’ in those days, Elaine.”
“When did you get so smart?” Elaine questioned.
“Superman comics are educational.” Jerry countered.
“Oh, yeah, like everyone needs to know that the foundations of life are avoiding kryptonite and stopping super villains.”
Jerry started singing the Yankee Doodle Dandy song. “Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni.”
“Oh, will you stop that?!” Elaine yelled.
“Okay, okay. Anyway, what are you going to do about the cashier?” Jerry said.
“When she left to find some gift wrap for my hat, I found her address on the computer. I think I’ll pay some kids to egg her house.