Sketch Comedy: Aquaman’s New Year’s Eve Party

Aquaman: (cleaning his apartment by hand, and with the fish) I’m so excited! Everyone’s going to be here by eight o’ clock pm! I’ve sent out the invitations, I’ve made the food! Everything is done! (looks around) Mera? Honey? Where are you?

(Mera walks into the living room.)

Mera: I’m sorry, Aquaman, but I…uh…have contracted a case of the….eel flu! Yes, the eel flu! Topho, Aquababy, and Aqualad have it, too. We all must get to the hospital.

Aquaman: No, I’ll take you! FISH OF THE SEA, I COMMAND YOU TO HELP ME!

Mera: No! T-that’s not necessary. Come along, dears!

(Mera, Aqualad, Topho, and Aquababy leave the room.)

Aquaman: (sighs) Oh, well. At least the Justice League is coming. I tried to invite all of the DC Comics characters. Geoff Johns himself said he would come! I even invited (shudders) some Marvel characters to come.

Time passes….It is now 8:24.

Aquaman: (on communication device) Yes, Superman. Hi. Are you coming to the party? Oh…Okay, yeah, I understand. Darkseid’s returned. I’ll try Wonder Woman. Oh, she’s also there? Okay…(hangs up) I guess it’ll just be me this year. And last year. It seems like Darkseid comes every year. Why don’t they ever need my help? I just hope that they’re okay.


(Scene: The house of Black Manta, Aquaman’s mortal enemy.)

Black Manta: WOOOO! Is everyone having a good time? I have cheese doodles! (hands out platters of cheese doodles)

Superman: Great party, dude! Aquaman fell for the old ‘Darkseid’ trick again! I can’t believe the poor sucker fell for it!

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, and his idiocy confuses even me.

Geoff Johns: Hey, hey, hey, everybody! I’m here, and I brought a friend!

Stan Lee: Face front, true believers! Now this is a party!

Mera: Are we late? I had to use the ‘eel flu’ trick. Moron!

Ambush Bug: Yo-de-yo! I’m here, and you can’t get more fun than me, unless you brought Deadpool, Iron Man, and Spider-Man. WHICH I DID!!!!!

End Cutaway

Aquaman: At least there’s one person with me. Hello, camerawoman.

(Camera falls to the ground, and a scuba-gear-clothed person is seen swimming frantically away.)


News Update With Tigerboy and Zarion Kreena: Happy New Year’s Eve!

(Da-da-da, da-da-da-da)

Announcer: Weekend Update With Tigerboy And Zarion Kreena!

Tigerboy: Hello, I am Tigerboy.

Zarion Kreena: And I am Zarion Kreena. Here are the night’s top stories. Charlie Sheen is in trouble for swearing. This is what we call an example of nothing new.

Tigerboy: Fear is in the air, as people believe that 2013 will be a year for destructive climate change. All I have to say about it is, “S’Winter is here! FINALLY!”

Zarion: It’s a Phineas and Ferb reference. Look it up. Samuel L. Jackson is under controversy for dropping the f-and s-bombs on Saturday Night Live. However, this deflected the audience from noticing Kristen Wiig sneaking on stage and stealing some of the scenery.

Tigerboy: The 200th episode of Spongebob Squarepants is coming. The episode will feature people complaining about how bad the show has gotten.

Zarion: Many people have special traditions on New Year’s Eve. Here’s what my family does on New Year’s Eve. We have a disastrous picture, with people falling off the couch and saying “I’m going to beat someone to death with my party horn.” There is the honking of the horns, and the hogging of the pie. I will pretend to be drunk, even though I do not drink beer. Finally, I will try to hog the pie.

Tigerboy: Thank you for that…interesting idea. The world’s tallest building, which resides in Dubai, apparently smells like poop. Residents say that this is because of all the dirty laundry.

Zarion: Earlier this year, a third grader dodged jury duty. Bystanders said that he would have taken the job, but he had to clean his room.

Tigerboy: At the end of this day, if a fiscal solution is not reached, we will face massive government budget slashes and taxes hikes. Here to talk about the consequences, Nervous Ned.

Nervous Ned: Hello, hello. Well, we’re all going to die!

Tigerboy: We went over this last time. Ned, you have to learn to calm down.

Nervous Ned: Sorry, sorry. (coughs) S0, we will have less money to spend things with, and less monkey in our paycheck. Excuse me, money. Sorry. Employment will gradually worsen. As the money disappears, we will get poorer and poorer. Martial law will become as matter of fact as the fact that the apocalypse did not happen. Or did it?????

Tigerboy: Really, Ned? Really? Okay, one more chance. I’m going to lay out some simple facts, and you’re going to tell me what might happen. A little game of Hypothetical Cause and Effect. I’ll start. We all get a little poorer.

Nervous Ned: Money will be tighter.

Tigerboy: Less things will be spent.

Nervous Ned: We’re all going to die.

Tigerboy: Ned! Okay..(takes a deep breath) How did you come to that conclusion?

Nervous Ned: It’s simple. Money will be tighter, so less food will be bought. Less food will be bought, so people might start hoarding. The people who are featured on Hoarders: Buried Alive will our rulers, because they have the most experience at hoarding. When the hoarders take over, society will inevitably crumble. When society crumbles, we will form our own version of The Hunger Games. When we form our own version of The Hunger Games, we will eventually run out of people to slaughter. When we run out of people to slaughter, we will kill each other. There. It’s simple. When money is tighter, society will cease to exist.

Tigerboy: Ned, when you were young, were you bitten by a radioactive copy of When You Give A Mouse A Cookie? It doesn’t matter. Nervous Ned, everybody!

Zarion Kreena: Gangnam Style has reached over one billion views, and now they want to get two billion views before 2013 officially starts. I don’t know about you, but I know what I’m going to do today.

Tigerboy: Mascots may ask for more money next year. Actually, that makes sense, because who would want to live in one of those costumes for the rest of their lives?

Zarion Kreena: Tigerboy, they don’t live in those costumes.

Tigerboy: Oh…

Zarion Kreena: Eggnog pie exists. Therefore, society has crumbled.

Tigerboy: Justin Bieber is hoping to film a movie next year. We have devised a copy of the script, and the title is “We Hate You. Sincerely, All Legitimate Film Stars Of The World.” From News Update, I’m Tigerboy!

Zarion Kreena: And I’m Zarion Kreena! Happy almost 2013, everybody!

Sketch Comedy: Aquaman Goes To The Movies

Aquaman: Ah, I love going to the movies. Come on, my finny friends. (wheels in huge bucket of fish, water slops everywhere.)

Aqualad: I hate these family movie trips. You’re not even my dad.

Mera, the AquaQueen: Don’t complain, dear. Be a lamb and help me bring Topho in.

Topo: (gurgles)

Aqualad: (grumbles)

Ticket Salesperson: Uh, sir? You can’t bring a live octopus into a movie theater. I’m pretty sure there’s a law against that. Also, did you kidnap those children?

Aquaman: How can you accuse me of that? I’m Aquaman!

(His statement is met by silence. Aqualad tries to leave the movie theater, but Aquaman blocks the exit.)

AquamSan: Here’s his birth certificate.

Ticket Salesperson: Well, this seems to be in order. What movie do you want to see? Wait, let me guess. The Avengers!

Aquaman: NO! Never!

Ticket Salesperson: A special showing of The Amazing Spider-Man?

Topho: (loAoks disgusted)

Ticket Salesperson: The Dark Knight Rises?

Mera: No.

Ticket Salesperson: Hmmmm…..Howard The Duck?

(Everyone looks enthusiastic. The tickets are bought.)

Popcorn People: Hi, would you like some popcorn?

Aquaman: Sure! (buys an extra large bucket of popcorn for himself)

(They go into the movie theater, slopping water everywhere.)

Aqualad: These seats are uncomfortable.

Mera: We’re too close to the screen.

Aquaman: (finishes the popcorn) This is really salty….Has it been an hour already?

Movie: Trapped in a world he never made…

Topho: (sleeping)

Mera: This is horrible.

Aquaman: Seriously, I need some water. I’m going to die in about five minutes.

Random Audience Member #1: Shut up!

RAM #2: We’re trying to watch the movie!

Nearly two hours later…

Movie Theater Employees: (poking at Aquaman with a stick) I think he’s dead.

(Corpses of Aquaman, Aqualad, and Mera twitch. Flies buzz around them.)

Topho: (gurgles)*

*Translation: Good thing Aquababy was left home with a babysitter.

Sketch Comedy: Aquaman: Revenge of the Fish

(Scene: Aquaman is sitting on a chair, watching television.)

Mera, the AquaQueen: Dear, I think you’re using your fish too often. I know you have an all-powerful mental control over them, but you shouldn’t abuse it.

Aquaman: They like it.

(A fish swims up with a bag of chips on its back.)

Aquaman: Thanks, buddy.

Mera, the AquaQueen: How can you be sure if they like it??? After all, they can’t tell you to stop.

Aquaman: (grunts, starts eating potato chips) Hey, I might go to Red Lobster for dinner, later. Want to come with me?

Mera: (looks shocked, but dismisses it as a joke.) I bet you even control Topho, your pet octopus.

Aquaman: That’s ridiculous. I would never get force him to do menial labor for me.

(Scene changes to Topho, in a maid’s uniform, cleaning his room.)

Mera, the AquaQueen: (not convinced) Uh-huh.

(The doorbell rings. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman walk in.)

Superman: Hi, ‘Qua. The Justice League needs your help.

Batman: Black Manta is- What the???? Are you using that baby whale as a pillow?

Aquaman: He likes it.

Wonder Woman: He actually looks pretty sad.

Superman: This is one of the worst things you’ve ever done, and I faked my death in a battle with Doomsday.

Batman: Yeah, that was pretty awful.

Wonder Woman: Can’t you do anything without your fish?

Aquaman: I don’t know. They’re saving that for another sketch. I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I’m too busy. (continues channel-surfing)

Batman: I dare you to go one minute without controlling fish.

Wonder Woman: Any fish.

Aquaman: Are you saying that I can’t do anything for myself? (A school of fish lifts him out of his chair.) I’m disgusted with all of you! I AM A MEMBER OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE!

Superman: Pity vote.

Batman: Token Atlantean.

Wonder Woman: I thought you were Namor.

Aquaman: That’s it. (He releases control of all of the fish in the sea.) Go free, my finny minions! Do whatever it is ugly things like you do.

(All the fish immediately surround Aquaman, as Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman nervously back away.)

Aquaman: Hey, what are you doing? (uneasy) I thought you were my friends. (eel zaps him) AAGHHHHH! (A swordfish attacks him.) NOT THE FACE!

5 hours later….

(A tombstone is on the living room’s floor, in place of the easy chair. It reads: Aquaman, 1941 to 2012. Rest in pieces.)

Sketch Comedy: Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer, Psychiatrist To The (Fictional) Stars! Episode 1

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Allo, everyone. I am ze good Doctor Soup-Van Hoffer. You may not realize it, but most cartoon characters have very dizturbed minds. Zhat is zhe reason for zhere weirdness und humor. Our guest, today, is the Man of Steel himself, Zuperman.

(Superman flies in, and sits down on a chair.)

Superman: Excuse me, Doctor..Uh, Zoup Van-Cloppen, but the name is Superman. No “Zuper.” And, fyi, I’m Superman. You know, fantastic abilities? Born on a dying planet? Perfect hero? I have no weaknesses.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Ah, but zhat is vhere you are wrong. You are a narcissism

Superman: A who-da-whuh? Just a second, let me fly at super-speed to the nearest dictionary salesmen.

(He flies out the room. A second later, he returns.)

Superman: Sorry I took so long. The lines were brutal. (lazily flips through book) So…narcissism, eh? Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: (grows annoyed) Zuperman, please be a little more respectful. Zhis is my show. You are not running this.

Superman: (yawns) Okay, let’s get this quackery over with.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: (grabs dictionary) Let me zhee…(carefully peruses dictionary) Steel….Home..Cooking…Soups and stews….Recreation…Stress relief…..Shopping…Elf recipes…Characters…Fruit…United States…(pauses) Ah, ‘narcissism’. You have a high opinion of yourself, and to make yourself better, you surround yourself with incompetent fools. Take the Justice League, for example. Batman and Wonder Woman are the only possible equals for you. Aquaman talks to fish. Green Arrow shoots gimmick arrows. You have heat vision, incredible strength, and flight.

Superman: You forgot to mention my indestructability, ice breath, super-hypnotism, and absolute perfect-ness.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Excuse me, Zuperman? Zhis is my show. I run things. Now, to diagnose you. I think that you can be cured through a zimple dose of humbleness.

Superman: Humbleness? What’s that, a disease? Because I can’t get them. I also have super-intelligence. Some doctors literally said to me, “You are the smartest person in the world! We need to give you all the doctor’s awards imaginable!”

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: NO. (angry) Humbleness is knowing that some people are better than you. You need modesty.

Superman: Huh?

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: I have a way to go this. (takes out a kryptonite-laced apple) Here, eat this.

Superman: Sure. (eats the apple) Tastes good-ACCGHHHHHH, IT BURNS!

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: That agonizing pain is your powers going away. You vill have to spend one week not using any of your powers.

Superman: Oh, God, no!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (tries to throw up the kryptonite apple) I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! I NEED TO BE SPECIAL!

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Join us next veek, vhen I show you the result of Zuperman’s treatment. As always, I vill diagnose a new guest. Haf a good day, everyone! 2013 is nigh!

Next Year In Miscellaneous Soup, Part 2!

Zarion: New posts come to you, if you subscribe. As for pages, we are not sure. So, for the few subscribers we have, we’re going to provide links to the pages in these posts.

Tigerboy: These pages will include biographies of our new characters, and sketch descriptions.

Zarion: Also, the blog has changed to a new format, in order to better suit our plans.

Tigerboy: We will update the pages with links to the sketches whenever possible.

Zarion: Due to time issues, this will be hard, but, eventually, it will get done.

Tigerboy: THe first of the new posts will be revealed on New Year’s Eve, for reasons I have just thought of now.

Zarion: What reasons?

Tigerboy: Sketch idea. “Aquaman Celebrates New Year’s Eve.” No one comes to his party, even his pet octopus.

Zarion: EXCELLENT! We will get started writing it immediately.


Next Year In Miscellaneous Soup!

Zarion: Yo, my peeps! The tagline for this blog isn’t very accurate,

Tigerboy: “Humor, Saturday Night Live reviews, and a sprinkling of just about everything!”. Yeah, right. Saturday Night Live yes, everything else, no.

Zarion: So here’s a preview of what is to come.

Dr. Soup-Van H0ffer: Allo. I am ze new recurring character, to be in a segment entitled “Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer Analyzes Cartoon Characters.” You vould be zurprized at how dizturbed zhey are. Take Superman, for example. He-

Zarion: Save it for the show. We don’t want anything getting ruined.

Tigerboy: Also, we’re going to get some sketch comedy. “The Lego Family”, for instance.

Zarion: Stories and poems.

Tigerboy: Finally, we will accept suggestions. Just comment with a suggestion, and we WILL do it. No dirty suggestions, or swearing.

Zarion: Finally, again, here is a teaser of a new segment.

Aquaman In “Going To The Movies”

Aquaman: Ah, I love going to the movies. Come on, my finny friends. (wheels in huge bucket of fish, water slops everywhere.)

Aqualad: I hate these family movie trips. You’re not even my dad.

Mera, the AquaQueen: Don’t complain, dear. Be a lamb and help me bring Topho in.

Topo: (gurgles)

Aqualad: (grumbles)

End Of Segment

Zarion: We hope you have enjoyed that portion.