(Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da- News Update with Zarion and Tigerboy)
Zarion: Hello. I’m Zarion-
Tigerboy: And I’m Tigerboy. Here are the night’s top stories.
Zarion: Barack Obama said on Monday that if Syria used chemical weapons, they would be ‘very sorry.’ He then added that America would punish Syria by making them wear a ‘Dunce’ cap and listen to Justin Bieber.
Tigerboy: Scientists are studying types of robots, including nanobots and biotechnology in order to see if artificial intelligence can prove detrimental to humans. The collective society of robots would like to respond with a resounding “DUH!!!!!!!!!!!’
Zarion: Two weeks ago, Mitt Romney was seen at Disneyland. This is just in from the Miscellaneous Soup News Headquarters. Mitt Romney has bought Disneyland. He plans to remold it as ‘Romneyland’.
Tigerboy: Two days ago, comedian Katt Williams allegedly slapped a Target employee, and escaped on an electric cart. The Target employee was not harmed. Katt Williams has ruined the reputation of a fine store…..Never mind.
Zarion: Well, we all know about Hurricane Sandy. Now, a super typhoon known as Bopha has struck the Philippines. All the while, December 21st is soon approaching. Here to talk about it, Nervous Ned.
Nervous Ned: Hi, everybody. (shuffles papers) Okay..Um, well, People are worried, because they think that the world is ending, because of the Mayan calendar. Some people attribute the weather patterns to global warming (eye twitches), but others think it is because of the end of the world. I have one thing to say about this speculation: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!! The volcanoes will smother us with lava and ash, the floods will drown us- Whatever! We’re still going to be killed on December twenty-first! BEWARE! BEWARE!
Zarion: Uh, Ned, I don’t think that this is appropriate. You’re supposed to tell us about what people are saying, and the likelihood of this.
Nervous Ned: Sorry, sorry. Okay, there are other theories for this. Some people believe that the sun will expel a massive solar flare. This could either fry all life on earth or..or..The electricity will leave….(thinks, looks frightened) We’ll resort to cannibalism, and gangs will control society. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Zarion: Nervous Ned, your behavior is completely unprofessional. I’m afraid that I”m going to have to ask you to leave the studio.
Nervous Ned: Please, no! I have a wife and kids!
Zarion: Okay, You can have one last statement.
Nervous Ned: Finally, I think that we should just stay calm. Don’t go building shelters,bunkers, or hoarding food. It is COMPLETELY unnecessary to buy machine guns. Th-there will be no zombie invasion. Mutations will NOT occur….AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Zarion: Nervous Ned, everybody!
Tigerboy: Now, some news from the lovely state of Michigan. A man has cloned redwood trees, in order to protect them. Dogs of Michigan, rejoice! In other news, the Michigan Science Center will reopen on December 26th, including the Bodies Revealed exhibit. After spending a wonderful Christmas with your relatives, you can get them to go home by showing them this exhibit.
Zarion: J.K. Rowling’s new book, The Casual Vacancy, is being turned into a TV series. Other media sources will be a series of eight movies, eight video, four LEGO editions, fan fiction, a Scene It?, board games, and clothing.
Tigerboy: The election has come and gone, but people are still talking politics. For our take on it, we have created a new segment called “Poli-Talk.”
Zarion: Reelection. Fiscal cliff.
Tigerboy: 2016. Class warfare.
Zarion: Foreign policy. Electoral college.
Tigerboy: Jargon. Secret service.
Zarion: From News Update, I’m Zarion Kreena.
Tigerboy: And I’m Tigerboy. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.