Tigerboy: Hello. I am Tigerboy
Zarion: And I am Zarion Kreena. Here are the night’s top stories. Fans of the popular video Gangnam Style are attempting to get one billion hits, in order to stop the world from ending. They are currently at 988, 088, 796 views. Well, I think I can officially say that I am no longer the weirdest thing on the Internet.
Tigerboy; A Jersey Shore cast member known as ‘Snooki’ says that the world will not end. Yeah, because if there’re anyone we can trust, it’s someone from Jersey Shore.
Zarion: Schools are closing in Michigan due to the Apocalypse. Now, we can go back to our regularly scheduled events of screaming in terror.
Tigerboy: A couple traveled to France, because they thought it would be the safest place to avoid the apocalypse. Well, I only have one thing to say about that. Vos tentatives ne reussiront pas!
Zarion: A store selling zombie apocalypse gear is getting a lot of business today. Darn! I guess I can cross “Get Bitten By A Zombie” of my bucket list. In other news, people on Twitter are making ‘End Of The World Confessions.’ I would just like to confess that I tried to sabotage this broadcast, earlier today. Tigerboy, that falling chandelier was no accident.
Tigerboy: And, I would like to confess that you smell like dirty laundry, I want your job, and I put poison in your chocolate milk. Now, for some seasonal news. Winter has begun, so when you see the sky darken and little things fall down- It isn’t the end of the world, it’s snow!
Zarion: New reports indicate that the world will end at approximately 11:11 pm. Here to talk about it, an alarm clock.
Alarm Clock: Hi, everybody! I’m terrified!
Zarion: Why? Is it because if the world ends, people might stop using technology?
Alarm Clock: No…People are going to get really nervous and hit me with various objects as it grows closer to 11:11 pm. Last time this happened, my cousin was hit with a refrigerator.
Alarm Clock: What?
Zarion: (more silence)
Alarm Clock: Hello? Anyone there?
Zarion: (grabs mallet, smashes clock) Sorry. I couldn’t stand it anymore. His voice was really annoying.
Tigerboy: Someone has leaked the ending to the Amazing Spider-Man #700 on the Internet. Many people say that they are “done with Marvel”. Dan Slott has apparently received death threats, because of his controversial changes to the Spider-Man mythos. The changes in question are (THIS TEXT HAS BEEN PULLED DUE TO DEATH THREATS FROM STAN LEE, THE GREAT KING OF ALL COMICDOM)
Zarion: Because today is supposedly the last day of the world, this might be Miscellaneous Soup’s last chance to make a song parody. Here to sing a song is Miscellaneous Soup’s expert singing cast member, Leonardo DaVinci. No relation to the artist. Leonardo is a survivalist prepping for the end of the world.
Leonardo: There’s absolutely no Apocalypse songs out there that I know of. So, I made my own.
Put on your gas mask, it’s time for the Apocalypse
So much looting-ypse on the Apocalypse
December 21st is the end of the world
Instead of 365 normal days, we have one final day
When you’re the last person in your town to have a bunker,
it’s time to buy one now!
Zombies eat the survivors
Fire-y demons roast them
Earthquakes. floods, and Nibiru
Make us feel like poo
Now it’s time for my song to end
I have to buy some nuclear weapons.
Zarion: That was not a song parody at all. For shame, Leonardo, for shame.
Tigerboy: Multiple sitcoms have showcased the end of the world. Later today, Disney Channel will air a surprise special entitled It’s A Very Merry Muppet Apocalypse Movie.
Zarion: A Walking Dead Christmas special has been created. It’s official. TV has destroyed the bottom of the barrel. In other entertainment news, Samuel L. Jackson is blaming Kenan Thompson for his use of the f-bomb on Saturday Night Live this past Friday. Well, Mr. Jackson, that is a load of schmurburger.
Tigerboy: (a beat too late) BLORG! (silence) NOOOO! We’re going to get fined! NOOOOO! NOOOOOO!
Zarion: From News Update, I am Zarion Kreena.
Tigerboy: And I am Tigerboy.
Both: (simultaneous) Good night, and have a tomorrow. Because the world will not end.