Sketch Comedy: Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer, Psychiatrist To The (Fictional) Stars! Episode 1


Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Allo, everyone. I am ze good Doctor Soup-Van Hoffer. You may not realize it, but most cartoon characters have very dizturbed minds. Zhat is zhe reason for zhere weirdness und humor. Our guest, today, is the Man of Steel himself, Zuperman.

(Superman flies in, and sits down on a chair.)

Superman: Excuse me, Doctor..Uh, Zoup Van-Cloppen, but the name is Superman. No “Zuper.” And, fyi, I’m Superman. You know, fantastic abilities? Born on a dying planet? Perfect hero? I have no weaknesses.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Ah, but zhat is vhere you are wrong. You are a narcissism

Superman: A who-da-whuh? Just a second, let me fly at super-speed to the nearest dictionary salesmen.

(He flies out the room. A second later, he returns.)

Superman: Sorry I took so long. The lines were brutal. (lazily flips through book) So…narcissism, eh? Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: (grows annoyed) Zuperman, please be a little more respectful. Zhis is my show. You are not running this.

Superman: (yawns) Okay, let’s get this quackery over with.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: (grabs dictionary) Let me zhee…(carefully peruses dictionary) Steel….Home..Cooking…Soups and stews….Recreation…Stress relief…..Shopping…Elf recipes…Characters…Fruit…United States…(pauses) Ah, ‘narcissism’. You have a high opinion of yourself, and to make yourself better, you surround yourself with incompetent fools. Take the Justice League, for example. Batman and Wonder Woman are the only possible equals for you. Aquaman talks to fish. Green Arrow shoots gimmick arrows. You have heat vision, incredible strength, and flight.

Superman: You forgot to mention my indestructability, ice breath, super-hypnotism, and absolute perfect-ness.

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Excuse me, Zuperman? Zhis is my show. I run things. Now, to diagnose you. I think that you can be cured through a zimple dose of humbleness.

Superman: Humbleness? What’s that, a disease? Because I can’t get them. I also have super-intelligence. Some doctors literally said to me, “You are the smartest person in the world! We need to give you all the doctor’s awards imaginable!”

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: NO. (angry) Humbleness is knowing that some people are better than you. You need modesty.

Superman: Huh?

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: I have a way to go this. (takes out a kryptonite-laced apple) Here, eat this.

Superman: Sure. (eats the apple) Tastes good-ACCGHHHHHH, IT BURNS!

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: That agonizing pain is your powers going away. You vill have to spend one week not using any of your powers.

Superman: Oh, God, no!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (tries to throw up the kryptonite apple) I CAN’T HANDLE THIS! I NEED TO BE SPECIAL!

Dr. Soup-Van Hoffer: Join us next veek, vhen I show you the result of Zuperman’s treatment. As always, I vill diagnose a new guest. Haf a good day, everyone! 2013 is nigh!

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