Announcer: News Update with Zarion Kreena and Tigerboy!
Tigerboy: Hello, he’s Zarion Kreena.
Zarion Kreena: And he’s Tigerboy.
Both: And here’s the night’s top stories.
Tigerboy: Well, the Golden Globes are airing tonight, so prepare for a lot of exploded DVRs
Zarion Kreena: Stars everywhere are tweeting about their excitement for the awards, but, sadly, no one is listening to my tweets. I mean, come on! “Eating cheese curls while reading about Saturday Night Live!” How exciting is that?
Tigerboy: In a letter to Congress, President Barack Obama said that the U.S. played a “limited role” in the failed rescue attempt of a French secret agent in Somalia. Here to talk about it, News Update’s own resident super-spy, Agent Jones.
Agent Jones: Hey. I chose to accept this mission, and I will never talk! You’re never getting anything out of me!
Tigerboy: Uh, you’re here to talk about it with us. This is a news show.
Agent Jones: Oh…okay. Well, I had a very important role in the capture and killing of Osama Bin Laden.
TIgerboy: NO, no, no! That’s not it at all! What do you have to say about Somalia?
Agent Jones: Somalia? I was never there. You’re thinking of Agent Jeans.
Tigerboy: OKay, then….(takes deep breaths) THen why did ythe ou agree to come here?
Agent Jones: To offer up my advice for spies everywhere! First, do NOT put your laser watches in your pocket. You will get a very serious burn. Next. don’t call an insane terrorist “Bubba.” It will not confuse him/her, as I thought, it will only cause anger. Extreme anger.
Tigerboy: Do you have any doo’s?
Agent Jones: Yes. DO call yourself Agent James Bond. DO tinker with your gadgets. DO not destroy half of Mount Everest in a botched test of a nuclear bomb disguised as a model of the human brain.
Tigerboy: What was that last part?
Agent Jones: I’ve said too much! Agent Smoke Demon Limbo out!
(There is a puff of smoke, and he is gone. Only Zarion and Tigerboy remain at the desk.)
Zarion: Well, that was weird. The TV show Sherlock has been nominated for a Golden Globe Award. The award in question is the Not Another Adaptation Of Sherlock Holmes Award. Other nominees are the Sherlock Holmes movie series with Robert Downey Jr. and the television show Elementary.
Tigerboy: Justin Bieber has been playing matchmaker for his friends and family. If you ask me-
Zarion: Weren’t you at the read-through? That joke was cut.
Tigerboy: What’s the new one?
Zarion: (hands Tigerboy a piece of paper)
Tigerboy: OKay…He will next be matching up himself with a drug dealer.
Zarion: A TV show known as The Simpsons will be airing directly when the Golden Globes air. This means that our award show, the Soupies, coming up in three minutes, will not get any coverage at all.
Tigerboy: Still, let’s start anyway.
Announcer: It’s time for the Soupy Awards! A hastily assembled, ill-crafted awards show that only has two awards!
Zarion: Opening sketch. Hello, I’m the President of SAG-AFTA.
Tigerboy: And I am the president of Disney.
Zarion: Our opinions make no sense!
Tigerboy: Monologue! DId you hear about the politics?
Zarion: Yeah, some crazy things there!
Tigerboy: Blah, blah, blah, Celebrities
Zarion: Our first award goes to 30 Rock and The Office for being the two best shows to end this year!
Tigerboy: Yada, yada, yada, Tonight, we honor the best Saturday Night Live host of the season! It;s a tie between everyone! (Except Seth McFarlane and Louis C.K.!) Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!
Zarion: From the Soupy Awards, I’m Zarion Kreena, and he’s Tigerboy! Time to watch the Globes!