Announcer: News Update With Tigerboy And Zarion Kreena!
Zarion Kreena: Hello, I’m Zarion Kreena.
Tigerboy: And I’m Tigerboy. And here’s the night’s top stories. Cycling might be dropped from the Olympics, due to Lance Armstrong’s doping scandal. This marks another loss in the category of “Sports We Don’t Care About.”
Zarion Kreena: Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandpa. It’s official, the world is going to end.
Tigerboy: Manchester is having a contest for mac and cheese recipes. The recipe that will lose first is sure to be “Rusty Nails N’ Raw Sewage.”
Zarion Kreena: The presidential inauguration will take place on Monday. Events will include a parade, Barack Obama’s swearing-in ceremony, and massive traffic jams.
Tigerboy: Larry Page, the CEO of Google, claims that ‘Facebook is doing a really bad job on their products. End quote. When reached for comment, Facebook said that Google Voice kept messing up their search requests. “Presidential inauguration.” “You have searched for: Italian restaurants.”
Zarion Kreena: On Monday, Coca-Cola said that they ‘had a problem with sugar.’ End quote. When reached for more comments, it said that it had successfully gone to rehab, and-Wait, never mind. Coca-Cola has crashed a car into a hospital. Back to rehab for you, Coca-Cola. This has been an advertisement for Coca-Cola. Drink it, and your teeth will rot.
Tigerboy: A woman in Essex swallowed her dentures, and doctors failed to notice four times. Here to comment, Dr. Leo Spaceman, of 30 Rock.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Hello, hello. I’m glad to be here.
Tigerboy: So, Leo, you have recently been named the surgeon general of the U.S. How do you feel about that, given your dubious credentials?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I believe that…(sprays Tigerboy with pepper spray) YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
(Dr. Leo Spaceman runs away.)
Zarion Kreena: We have received breaking news! Lance Armstrong and Coca-Cola have broken out of rehab, and they are teaming up to lie during every Tour De France and company health inspection in the world! From News Update, I’m Zarion Kreena.
Tigerboy: And I’m Tigerboy: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow, by forgetting about all our awful jokes.