Behind The Scenes: Friendly Rap Songs


Scene: Miscellaneous Soup writing room. Zarion has gathered everyone for a meeting.

Zarion: Hello, everyone. I’ve called you here today to discuss something that can be turned into a trend. Friendly rapping.

Tigerboy: Huh?

Zarion: Friendly rapping. Haven’t you noticed that almost all rap songs are mean? I believe that if we post friendly, polite rap songs for Miscellaneous Soup, then real people will generate comments, and not just robots.

Woman No. 2: Yeah, I responded to two of them before I realized they were robots. “Search engine rank report” and “free x-box live codes.”

Zarion: What do you think?

Man No. 3: Uhh…

Zarion: Humor me.

Man No. 1: It could be the next Ellen Degeneres’s “Nice Political Ads” sketch!

Zarion: You’re fired, you suck-up. Man No. 3, thank you for being brutally honest. I’m giving you a raise. Keep up the good work, and you might even get a real name!

Man No. 3: I have a name. It’s-

Zarion: Anyway, I’ve hired a spokeperson to help us. His name is Cuddles, and he’s a self-proclaimed master of friendly rapping. Cuddles?

(A baby elephant, about a foot tall, with gold chains and a leather jacket walks in.)

Cuddles: Yo, yo. What up?

Tigerboy: (incredulous) That’s a baby.

Zarion: Don’t be age-ist. Cuddles, show him what you’ve got.

Cuddles: Hey, yo! I’m Cuddles the Elephant, and I like peanuts!

Dipped in chocolate, or combined with a walnut!

Have a good day, and smile a lot!

Give your friend a cookie, and eat a Tater Tot!

LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!

Hugs are special, tickling is fun

But only if you know the person,

if not, you CAN BE SUED!!!!!!!

Tigerboy: Excuse me. How does this make any sense at all?

Zarion: Quiet. He’s on his next verse.

Cuddles: Be a good friend

Be a good friend

Be a good friend

OR I WILL KILL YOU.

Tigerboy: I’m sensing mixed messages. He’s telling us to be nice, but then following it up with some really nasty things.

Zarion: He’s only a little baby.

Cuddles: HEY! I’m not a baby! I only call myself that, because it’s catchy.

Zarion: I’m so sorry, I-

Cuddles: I’m a toddler.

Zarion: ….Oh…

Cuddles: I quit. You people are insensitive and boring.

(TV turns on. )

Newscaster: This just in. The private bank that belonged to Cuddles has been burned to the ground.

Cuddles: (does ‘I’m cute, pathetic, and homeless’ face) Can you pease hep me get a job? I’m  just a wittle baby.

Zarion: Sure! You can be the Head Writer!

Woman No. 4: Hey! That’s my job! I will kill you, Cuddles!

To be continued…

Never mind.

Cuddles: I’m an intern! YAY! Want a cookie, lady person?

Woman No. 4: Sure. (eats cookie) This is delic-ACK! (dies)

Zarion: Cuddles! No poisoning other people!

Tigerboy: How has this blog stayed on the Internet?

Zarion: I give up. Cuddles, you’re fired. Meeting over.

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