Scene: Miscellaneous Soup writing room. Zarion has gathered everyone for a meeting.
Zarion: Hello, everyone. I’ve called you here today to discuss something that can be turned into a trend. Friendly rapping.
Zarion: Friendly rapping. Haven’t you noticed that almost all rap songs are mean? I believe that if we post friendly, polite rap songs for Miscellaneous Soup, then real people will generate comments, and not just robots.
Woman No. 2: Yeah, I responded to two of them before I realized they were robots. “Search engine rank report” and “free x-box live codes.”
Zarion: What do you think?
Man No. 3: Uhh…
Zarion: Humor me.
Man No. 1: It could be the next Ellen Degeneres’s “Nice Political Ads” sketch!
Zarion: You’re fired, you suck-up. Man No. 3, thank you for being brutally honest. I’m giving you a raise. Keep up the good work, and you might even get a real name!
Man No. 3: I have a name. It’s-
Zarion: Anyway, I’ve hired a spokeperson to help us. His name is Cuddles, and he’s a self-proclaimed master of friendly rapping. Cuddles?
(A baby elephant, about a foot tall, with gold chains and a leather jacket walks in.)
Cuddles: Yo, yo. What up?
Tigerboy: (incredulous) That’s a baby.
Zarion: Don’t be age-ist. Cuddles, show him what you’ve got.
Cuddles: Hey, yo! I’m Cuddles the Elephant, and I like peanuts!
Dipped in chocolate, or combined with a walnut!
Have a good day, and smile a lot!
Give your friend a cookie, and eat a Tater Tot!
LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA!
Hugs are special, tickling is fun
But only if you know the person,
if not, you CAN BE SUED!!!!!!!
Tigerboy: Excuse me. How does this make any sense at all?
Zarion: Quiet. He’s on his next verse.
Cuddles: Be a good friend
Be a good friend
Be a good friend
OR I WILL KILL YOU.
Tigerboy: I’m sensing mixed messages. He’s telling us to be nice, but then following it up with some really nasty things.
Zarion: He’s only a little baby.
Cuddles: HEY! I’m not a baby! I only call myself that, because it’s catchy.
Zarion: I’m so sorry, I-
Cuddles: I’m a toddler.
Cuddles: I quit. You people are insensitive and boring.
(TV turns on. )
Newscaster: This just in. The private bank that belonged to Cuddles has been burned to the ground.
Cuddles: (does ‘I’m cute, pathetic, and homeless’ face) Can you pease hep me get a job? I’m just a wittle baby.
Zarion: Sure! You can be the Head Writer!
Woman No. 4: Hey! That’s my job! I will kill you, Cuddles!
To be continued…
Cuddles: I’m an intern! YAY! Want a cookie, lady person?
Woman No. 4: Sure. (eats cookie) This is delic-ACK! (dies)
Zarion: Cuddles! No poisoning other people!
Tigerboy: How has this blog stayed on the Internet?
Zarion: I give up. Cuddles, you’re fired. Meeting over.