Aquaman: I can’t wait! (tries to turn on TV) Uh, oh…(presses remote frantically) NO! Topho! Press the tv’s buttons for me!
(Topho relunctantly presses the button.)
Aquaman: THE BATTERY IS DEAD! Okay, no sweat. I’m Aquaman. I can do anything. TO ME, MY EELS!
(Eels swim over to him. Aquaman picks one up, and jams it into the remote.)
Aquaman: (grunting) Almost..got..it….There!
(The remote explodes as soon as he pushes a button.)
Aquaman: WHAT THE-
(This portion of the sketch has been censored, due to Aquaman’s stunning use of profanity. Really, we didn’t even know some of those words existed. Maybe they’re Atlantean curse words….Still cursing….Still cursing….Do you think he’s done yet?)
Aquaman: RAZZUM FRAZZUM
(WHOA! We apologize for that! The FCC is going to be on us like dogs on a chew toy for that. …..So….Read any good books, lately? Wait, I think he’s done.)
Aquaman: That’s it! I WILL WATCH THE GAME, IF IT KILLS ME! Now, I need to assemble the best team of heroes in the biz.
(He pulls out his cell phone, and starts dialing numbers.)
Aquaman: Hey, Supes. You think you can use your powers to create enough friction to permanently fix my batteries? And, uh…my remote, too. Oh…You’re battling Doomsday. Okay. then. Sorry. (dials again) Hey, Bats! Listen, I know the Joker is trying to kill off every member of the Bat Family, but can you spare some time to fix my remote? What’s that? Oh, you’re getting splashed with some acid. Sorry..
50 failed phone calls later…
Aquaman: (desperate) Come on, Booster! Can’t you zap yourself over here from the future? Okay….(hangs up) Well, there has to be something I can do until then.
5 minutes later…
Aquaman: (singing) Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes…
5 minutes later…
Aquaman: (tries to go on YouTube) Come on, this has to be streaming! Load, darn you!
10 minutes later…
(Aquaman is doing yoga.)
One hour later…
Aquaman: It’s time..I never thought I would have to do this…(calls someone) Hi…Marvel Comics? I need to borrow Reed Richards. I can’t? He’s in space? NOOO!!!!!
(He breaks down sobbing.)
Aquaman: I WANTED TO WATCH THE SUPER BOWL! IT’S MY LIFE’S DREAM! DARN YOU, ELECTRIC EELS!
(A blurry figure falls down, and lands on Aquaman’s TV. He sees what happens and cries harder.)
Deadpool: Someone call for a hero?
Aquaman: Uhhhh…..No. Go back to wherever you were.
Deadpool: Suit yourself. (flies away)
Aquaman: I WILL get the Super Bowl!!! (telepathically controls eels to form antennas on the TV.) More….MORE!
(The TV crackles with energy. The eels explode, frying Aquaman. The TV flips on.)
Aquaman: Yes….Yes….No….NO! IT’S THE HALFTIME SHOW!!!!! NO! (dies)
(The TV returns to the game.)