Zarion Kreena: Welcome to another review! I ramble, and provide cohesive reviews.
Tigerboy: I give descriptions.
Host: Christopher Waltz
Why He’s Hosting: Most likely, his role in Django Unchained.
Musical Guest: The Alabama Shakes
Why They Are Playing: Not quite sure. Their song in Silver Linings Playbook, perhaps?
Cold Opening– “Carnival Cruise Ship Accident”
-“Rambling Guy:” Okay, I don’t think this is a good thing to make fun of. We start with Cecily Strong and Jason Sudeikis. “Doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun!” A comedian..Okay, Jay Pharoah is playing him! Cool, he’s doing his Chris Rock imitation. “There’s dookies on the wall, man!” I still think this sketch is too soon. “There is no God!” Wow, Jay..”The Pope resigned…Oh, lord.” Their reactions to the news make me laugh. “It says here that no, no….” HAHAHAHAH! “That is about US!” A mentalist? I was right! Bill Hader! Tim Robinson appears as a volunteer. HAHHAAHAHAHHAAH! “I’m back on this God-forsaken boat! Make me the chicken again!” Designating areas as toilets? Poor karoake. I’m not going to be eating that sushi. Dan? I predict Moynihan. I WAS RIGHT! “Who ate Koko? Why would someone do this? We still have food!” “Spell out the words ‘KILL US'”!!!! Michael Jackson impression? Yay for Fred! Wow…that was creepy. That was good. A
-Regular Review: I think, personally, that it’s too soon to make a parody of this, but they did. At least it was humorous. I could have hoped for some State of the Union humor, though. Still, as least we still got some Jay Pharoah. Surprisingly good sketch.
-Tigerboy’s Description: Cruise ship hosts run out of entertainment ideas while stranded in the ocean. (It’s better than how I described it.)
-“Rambling Guy”: I hope this is as good as the cold opening. He really does look like Fred Armisen. “You don’t have a sense of humor. You’re a serious German actor.” Cool! First German-speaking host! I predict Mike Myers as Dieter, making a cameo! HAHAHAH! Bobby and Kate! They’re funny. A version of “Who’s on First” with bratwurst. Casual Hitler? NO! NO! That doesn’t make me laugh. Great..singing. Hopefully this is will be good. “Smile, D**n You, Smile!” I heard the Joker saying a version of this. Cool, the cast is joining him! Does anyone see Seth Meyers? He’s a pretty good singer. B+
-Regular Review: THis was pretty funny. THere was singing, and it did not annoy me.
-Tigerboy’s Description: Christopher Waltz talks about Austrian stereotypes, and sings.
**NOTE: I’M WATCHING A CAR COMMERCIAL WITH PAST PRESIDENTS SINGING. TSK, TSK.
What Have YOU Become?: Great! I like game shows! Waltz is the host. What game show is this? “And now I have the highest score in Space Invaders in all of Alabama!” Hader is a contestant. I predict Aidy will be the third one. I was right! Cool! Bill is usually the go-to game show host. Oh, yeah, this is going to be good. Poor Donald. “I love space..I could have been an astronaut.” “I tell her one of my daughters is in the bathroom, but I don’t have a daughter.” Aidy won! “Quick follow-up: Are you happy?” I guess you can’t have it both ways. HAHAHAAH! “Each of your oldest living relatives!” Jay is hilarious!!! Poor, poor Patrick. Yes, the tables are being turned! “No, boy, you’ve got to go to game show school.” A
-Regular Review: Best game show of the season.
-Tigerboy’s Description: This game show plays sadistic mind games. Now, what have YOU become, reading this review?
“Rambling Guy”: The Pope? Commercial parody? This looks good! Papal Securities? HAAHAHAHAHH! This is hilarious! I think Christopher is playing the host. Whoever it is, he’s doing a great job! “Helping popes retire since the last time it happened. In 1450.” A
-Regular Review: Hilarious.
-Tigerboy’s Description: THe perfect system for your Pope’s needs.
Tifi the Conversation Hijacker:
-“Rambling Guy”: Hmm…A building. Murder mystery? Who’s the person in the pink dress? I feel like she’s appeared before. Oh, her name is Tifi. Ewww…”Uh, oh..Where’s this goin’?” She seems like That Girl At That Party You Started A Conversation With, but more like a conversation hijacker. Racist joke.. Bad. I don’t know why this is funny. “And the bed was gone?” Ewww…..Racist joke. Bad. “Like a piano’s going to fall on me or something?” D-
-Regular Review: Bad sketch. If you don’t get the joke, the whole thing falls apart.
-Tigerboy’s Description: No idea what this mess was.
Movie Trailer: Djesus UnCrossed:
-“Rambling Guy”: Okay, I feel nervous. R-rated movie parody. Huh? Jesus Uncrossed? THis is funny. “And he’s preaching anything but forgiveness.” That’s a lot of fake blood. Now they’re making fun of Samuel L. Jackson. I can see this as a real movie. I can also see that some people would hate this. “A less violent Passion of the Christ.” B+
-Regular Review: I can see how this sketch might offend a lot of people of the Christian faith, but I find it funny. I’m not sure why, but it makes me laugh. Still, I would not see this movie. I don’t like bloody movies.
-Tigerboy’s Description: Jesus Christ comes back from the dead for REVENGE!
-“Rambling Guy”: What’s this? Ewwww….It looks like a live commercial parody. This doesn’t seem funny. I don’t like this. F
-Regular Review: A creepy, disgusting sketch.
-Tigerboy’s Description: The Jamarcus brothers attempt to sell a…special CD. I do not recommend this.
Musical Performance #1:
-“Rambling Guy”: I really hope that they have the banjo. They looked nervous in the bumper shot. Okay, I like the drum set. I like the guitar. I think I detect a whiff of banjo. Something tells me they will appear in a sketch. Okay, let’s see what they’re playing. I can’t really hear her singing, so I can’t rate it. Still, I think she’s doing a great job. Okay, they are playing “Hold On.” From what I can tell, the lyrics are appropriate. A
-Regular Review: Good music. Good singing. Appropriate lyrics.
-Tigerboy’s Description: The Alabama Shakes play “Hold On.”
Weekend Update With Seth Meyers:
-“Rambling Guy”: Prediction: Pope and State of the Union jokes. Yup, it starts with the Union. Funny opening statement. “And then John Boehner rolled his eyes so hard he saw his brain.” HAHHAA! Funny Colorado joke. Funny cruise ship joke. Funny joke about the Chuck Haegel debates. Yup, the Marco Rubio drink of water thing. Just as I thought, Taran Killam is playing him. Now, GET STEFON ON!! “You eat a whole bag of roasted peanuts and beef jerky.” This is amusing. “Tiniest bottle of water everyone’s ever seen.” Water is getting a lot of content in the news, from the Vice Presidential Debate with Paul Ryan to this. Coincidentally, both were played by Taran Killam. This is hilarious! His voice sounds like a bat! Seth Meyers is hiding the water deliberately. Don’t put the water back! “And now I have to pee.” The dog show! Ewww…Creepy joke about that. Confusing joke about workplace dating. Amusing postcard joke. “So it looks like he might be finally picked up from camp.” “Mohawk and Bangs.” Meteorite joke. “…Vladimir Putin‘s origin story.” Olya Povlatsky? Not Stefon? Come on! I predict no Stefon for the episode. “Take me away from this barren wasteland.” “You’re only 18?” “We just got Who Let the Dogs Out?” “Oh, thank God. Now I will die of the rabies.” Poor dog. Funny teddy bear joke. Ewwww…..Creepy French joke. “Followed by the most horrifying thing you’ll ever see.” Bizarre joke about Cocoa Puffs. Stephen A. SMith? Okay, I’m SURE that Stefon isn’t going to appear. COME ON! It was just a holiday! President’s Day is coming! This is amusing, so far. Vacation on your forehead??? Ewwww…..”You are having an imaginary conversation.” I don’t even know who Kobe Bryant is. B+
-Regular Review: Overall, funny.
-Tigerboy’s Description: Seth Meyers lampoons the news, and talks with Marco Rubio, Olya Povlatsky, and Stephan A. Smith.
**NOTE: I SAW TIM ROBINSON IN THE SCREENSHOT OF THEM SETTING UP. IT LOOKS LIKE HE’S GOING TO APPEAR AGAIN.
-“Rambling Guy”: This reminds me of “Song Memories.” Oh, great….Fred Armisen dressing up as a girl. I remember this sketch. I’m not laughing. Okay, found it. Fred Armisen is playing Regine, who first appeared in the “Daniel Craig/Muse” episode. He broke character. Relatively amusing. F
-Regular Review: This sketch has gone on for way too long. It’s never made me laugh.
-Tigerboy’s Description: Regine is back. Boo!
Fox And Friends:
-“Rambling Guy”: Okay, I have to admit, I’m getting tired of this sketch. Finally, the State of the Union. “What, he didn’t wear pants?” “There was a bee in my apartment, and it turned into this whole thing.” Weird reversed clip of Barack Obama. At least that was Jay Pharoah. Eww..”And saying the name out loud, it’s pretty obvious that was a prank.” Bill Hader is Ted Nugent. “My favorite p-word is ‘pasketti!'” Ewww..When I’m done with the episode, I’ll list the whole sequence of mistakes. “My goatee was full of ticks.” This is trying to say that Ted Nugent is crazy. I find that funny. Huh? Horse meat? “One time in fourth grade, I ate a sea horse. They still won’t let me into that aquarium.” “Poop out glue.” Okay, that’s Fred Armisen. Where’s Waltz? Wait, maybe that is Waltz. “Brian, I think you just went to Olive Garden.” “….never, never leave the United States.” IHOP reference. Hey, I’m going there tomorrow. “I guess I just ate my passport.” A
-Regular Review: I like satire. ‘Nuff said.
-Tigerboy’s Description: More Fox biased news and hilarity.
Musical Performance #2:
-“Rambling Guy”: I don’t know what just happened. It showed a screenshot, but then real commercial appeared. Is the song being censored? Never mind. It started. I hear the banjo. I like the music. Okay, they are playing “Always Alright.” C-
-Regular Review: Good singing? Check. Good music? Check. Appropriate lyrics? NO.
-Tigerboy’s Description: The Alabama Shakes played “Always Alright.”
Creepy Valentines From Dimitri:
-“Rambling Guy”: Okay, this looks like a hotel. Weird valentine. “I am a person who is closer than you think.” This is funny. It’s obvious that Christopher Waltz is playing Dimitri, the person. He’s doing the obligatory “creepy person” sketch. Bill Hader is funny. “You are perfect. I am your mother. Ha, ha, ha. No.” Ewww..Poor Dimitri. Ewwww….His voice reminds me of Gru’s from Despicable Me. Another letter? Ewww..Kenan’s shocked face has become a trademark. B
-Regular Review: SImple, yet amusing. Reminscent of Seinfeld.
-Tigerboy’s Description: Dmitri inadvertently scares his crush.
-“Rambling Guy”: I always enjoy the closing music, even if it does mean that the episode is ending.
-Regular Review: N/A
-Tigerboy’s Description: N/A
Closing Comments: Pretty solid episode. Some bad sketches. Stefon should have appeared.
Best Sketch: “Cruise Ship Cold Opening”
Worst Sketch: “Regine”
Best Commercial Parody: “Papal Security”
Worst Commercial Parody: N/A. No bad commercial parodies.
Overall Rating: C+
Full List of “Fox And Friends” Corrections:
-At no point did our military fight a war against Cobra.
-The “T” in B.L.T. does not stand for “terrorism.”
-Meteors are not coming to take your guns.
-It is n0t Roe vs Dwayne Wade.
-Zero Dark Thirty is not a diet soda.
-The Vatican is not accessible through a wardrobe.
-Food stamps are not used to mail food.
-Armadillo is not Spanish for “arms dealer.”
-Navy Seals are not actual seals with laser beams on their heads.
-“That’s not a knife, this is a knife” is not the Australian national anthem.
-At no point did the passengers on the Carnival Cruise become zombies.
-Beyonce can not hypnotize animals.
-“Adele” is a singer. “A Dell” is a computer.
-February is a month.
-Marco Rubio did not bring pasta back from China.
-The Staten Island Ferry will not give you money for teeth.
-The real Abraham Lincoln lived longer than three hours.
-More people died from gun violence last year than from walking into elevator shafts.
-The Constitution did not “write itself.”
-Bruno Mars is from Earth.
-There are no Americans in the Bible.
-The tie goes to the runner.
-Not all amputees kill their girlfriends.
-Zumba is not a secret form of Santeria.
-North Korea is not a Cloud City.
-A “pin code” and a “pine cone” are two different things.
-The kid on Modern Family did not start out in p**n.
-Joe Biden’s teeth are real and do not pick up radio waves.
-Polar bears are rarely “asking for it.”
-Kobe beef is not beef from the flesh of Kobe Bryant.
-A “period piece” is not a movie that only plays during one week of the month.
-Plants are alive, but they cannot watch TV.
-A transgender is not a car that can be driven by men and women.
-Kate Upton is not dating a glacier.
-God does not sneeze electricity.
-The similar names of North Dakota and South Dakota are not a coincidence.
-Even black people love Raymond.
-Mumford’s daughtes are not in foster care.