STORY: The Joker and Deadpool: Best Friends?


Meanwhile, The Bar With No Name…(It’s in Marvel continuity! Look it up! -Zach)

Many criminals, whether super-powered or not, liked to hang out at The Bar With No Name. You could relax from an exhausting prison break, get some tips on what to do better, and drink. There’s a rec center, a science lab- You know? Just go read this. Villains from both Marvel and DC, the best comic universes, were there. (Yes, even Silver Age and 7o’s DC. They were in the “Let’s Take Pity On Them” room.”

In the recreation room…

The Riddler smugly walked over to his armchair, but gasped when he saw it. “Okay, riddle me this: WHO TOOK MY NOTEBOOK?”

Cluemaster looked up from his laptop. “Not me, dork. I wouldn’t touch your riddles with a 5-bit algorithm. My puzzles are better! I nearly killed-”

“Oh, shut up!” Ridder was now throwing papers around, frantically searching. “Come, on! I need to win this contest! Okay, stop the contest. STOP! Enigma?”

Two Enigmas looked up. “What?”

“No, not you! YOU!”

The two enigmas looked confused. One scratched her head.

“Okay, this is the problem! Too many people have the same name!”

Fiddler joined the conversation. “Or names that are too similar! People keep confusing me for you! It’s embarrassing!”

Riddler looked dubious. “I have one of the greatest strategical minds this world has ever seen-” The Mad Thinker rolled his eyes at this point- “and you play fiddles. I don’t think you understand who should be embarrassed here. You think the heroes ever have this problem?”

Cut to the Heroes’ Bar

Captain America grabbed his shield, and ran out the door to stop villainy, closely followed by the other Captain America, from the seventies! “Hey, Captain Marvel, you coming?”

Immediately, Captain Marvel from DC Comics, Mary Marvel from DC Comics, Captain Marvel Jr. from DC Comics, Captain Mar-Vell, Monica Rambeau, Genis-Vell, Phyla-Vell, Captain Marvel (Khn’nr), Mahr Vehl, Noh-Varr, and Carol Danvers rushed up to help. (Captain Marvel from Amalgam Comics, a combination of Marvel and DC comics, merely looked sad, and pouted.)

Cut Back To The Bar With No Name

Cluemaster said, “I’m the only Cluemaster there is, idiot.”

“Yeah, but did you see your portrayal in The Batman?” Riddler retorted.

A new voice was heard. “Yeah, that was horrible! Like ugly on an ape!” It was the Joker.

Gorilla Grodd growled, “GRAH FRAH GRAH BARLAFH!” It translated as something similar to “Shut up now, clown, before I rip off your face and beat you with it!”

The Joker scurried away, but not before subtly putting some acid in Grodd’s tea. That would teach him to be rude.

With a bang, the door flew open! Deadpool walked in the door, holding the shattered remains of a Segway and eating a chimichanga.  As soon as he saw the Joker, he stuffed the chimichanga in his mouth, and pulled out a lightsaber. “CFwma….” (He  was actually saying ‘clown’, but he was still trying to eat the ten-foot long chimichanga in one mouthful.)

The Joker’s eyes narrowed. “Merc…” he hissed.

Everyone knew that whenever two or more villains with the same general  motif clashed, there was going to be trouble. And when the two villains in question are unstable killers who consider themselves funny, things were only going to get pun-filled and bloody. Well, except for question-themed villains like the Riddler. They just have contests.

Louie, the bartender, quickly ran toward them before any violence happened. “Okay, you remember the rules? NO weapons! I’m not paying for more bar renovation, ”Pool! Remember what you did with my miniature bowling alley?”

Deadpool lost himself in memories. “Ahh…That was epic! The Prankster never did unstick his head from the toilet.”

“What? No, that’s completely different! Where is Prankster, anyway?” Muffled screaming could be heard in the bathroom. “Anyway, ,you both can’t have weapons, and if you want to use weapons, leave! Go! Pull out all your weapons!”

Five hours later…

The Joker was half-way done. Deadpool was commenting on all of his gadgets. “Pie bomb? Pheh, saw it on Spongebob! Ah, the Joker Gas! A classic….because it’s so old, Batman gave out antidotes to everyone in the city! You can buy it at the supermarket! Boom, roasted! Razor-tipped playing cards? STEREOTYPICAL! LAAAAAAAAME! I had better weapons when Christopher Priest wrote for me, and he was a hack! I killed him in his last issue!”

10 hours later….

Deadpool was still ranting. “And why did Daniel Way have to leave Thunderbolts AND my comic?? Dude really knew how my mind worked. Well, I had to show him my brain, first. And feed it to him….Eh. I’m not complaining about Duggan, though. Bro knows how to PARTY! Danny Way might be in an hospital now, I destroyed his mind. Hey, speaking of crazy people, this author is INSANE! COME ON! Write me in first-person! I want the world to see MAH INNA MONOLOGUE! ANd mah two voices! At least Agent Preston isn’t stuck in my mind in this continuity! Also, I gots a video game comin’! Hash tag SPOILER ALERT and VIDEO GAME!!!!” 

Inside Deadpool’s mind, Agent Preston rolled her eyes. “Why do I have to deal with this lunatic?”

Deadpool suddenly sat down. “I’m bored. Hey, clown? Want to be friends?”

“No.” The Joker said, right before he shot Deadpool in the head.

“G-good thing I can heal……hashtag….cough….TV…tropes…..” Deadpool’s charred skull said.

NEXT TIME ON THE JOKER AND DEADPOOL

The Joker sipped a soda made out of Batman’s blood. Deadpool stole the soda and drank it. The Joker decapitated Deadpool. Then, Deadpool’s head said, “Zach’s lying! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN THE NEXT STORY! COMMENT AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE HUMOR, ME, AND SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION!”

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