Silver Age Superman Parody: “The Day Jimmy’s Signal Watch Failed Him!”

Oh, no! Lex Luthor was rampaging through Metropolis in a robotic bird costume! Jimmy Olsen trapped within the grasp of the feathery-steel wing! (Lois Lane was sick.) There was only one thing to do! He pressed his signal watch!

Meanwhile, Clark Kent was typing up a story on his typewriter. He heard the distinct buzzing of the watch with his super-hearing, but Perry White came in!

“Harrumph!” he grumbled. “Kent, you stay here and write that story! No more ‘bathroom breaks!'” What was Superman to do? His ‘pal’, Jimmy Olsen, was going to die!

Okay, Superman. Think. Clark thought. I’ve got it! I’ll use my super-hypnotism to convince Perry that I’m an alien!

“Why..uh..Clark….uhh….is…an alien!” Perry said, in the annoyingly “uhh”ing way that Silver Age characters spoke in! Clark changed to Superman, and rescued Jimmy from the chicken with his super-egg laying ability!

“Whillikers!” Jimmy said. “I didn’t know you could do that!”

Superman winked. “I’m Superman! I can do anything!”

Later that night…

Clark Kent is on a date with the miraculously-recovered Lois Lane! Just when they were about to eat some delicious anti-pasta, Lois pointed at the window. “AHHHHH! Bizarro has a reverse gun! He’s shooting bullets at himself, but they’re going to bounce off and hit Jimmy, who’s pressing his signal watch while eating a sandwich in that telephone booth!”

In the time it took for Lois to say that run-on sentence, Superman had already rescued Jimmy. “Grrr…” He thought. “I’m getting sick…uhh…of that kid!”

At bedtime….

Superman looked into the distance, winked, and said, “Hey, kids! Always get a good sleep, just like your idol, Superman!” Just as he was about to sleep in his super-pillow, Jimmy Olsen’s signal watch buzzed. What could be wrong now??

At wherever the heck Olsen is…

Jimmy couldn’t sleep. He smiled when Superman flew into his house, shattering several windows in the process. “Luckily my super-heat vision and super-craftsmanship can fix these!”

“Superman, I can’t sleep.” Jimmy whined. “Can you read me a bedtime story?”

“Geez, kid! Don’t you have parents?” Superman bellowed. “I can do you one better than that! I can use my super-whatever to take you into the past, and see magical things!” Or just use my super-strength to bash your head  in…

“No.” Jimmy complained. He began pressing the signal watch over and over.

“OW, kid! That hurts my super-ears! I mean it! Stop! STOP!

When the bratty cub reporter refused to knock it off, Superman dragged him up above Earth’s atmosphere, giving him his super-cape to use as a helmet.

“Okay, kid.  Here’s what I’m going to do. Remember my super-speed? Boom! I just dropped you! Now I picked you up! NOW can you leave me alone?” Jimmy pressed the signal watch obstinately.

Superman dropped Jimmy Olsen, and he died a gruesome death. “Hey, all you kids out there! I have super-breaking powers! I know that I’m in a story, but if you tell ANYONE, and I mean anyone what I did, I’ll uhhh…hunt you down and kill you. Have a nice day!”

Uhh…Okay, then. I am going to go home and replace my underwear. Man, I hate my job as a narrator.

“SAY IT, BOZO!” Superman thundered. Oh, right. Yeah, so..See you next time in Action Comics, I guess.


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