At the Bar With No Name…
“Okay, who ate my sandwich?” Rhino wasn’t happy, needless to say. He paced across the meal room in the bar, staring menacingly at everyone. “I live for only one part of my day, and that’s my mealtime. When my lovely wife makes me my tuna sandwich, I eat it with gratitude. Later, I make dinner for her, and then we watch movies together.”
One unfortunate Hydra agent snickered at the image of the Rhino, in full costume, wearing a chef’s hat. Five seconds later, not to go into too much detail, but he would only be laughing in the afterlife, from now on.
“Now then,” the Rhino washed his bloody hands, “who wants to laugh at my personal life or tell me about my sandwich? Hmm?”
“I took your sandwich, Albrecht Dürer.” Deadpool said. “I ate it, and it was good. After you finish Googling my obscure reference, I want you to call your wife and get that tuna recipe.”
Everyone ran to the underground bunkers, trampling the Trapster in the process. (One person got stuck to him due to his leaky glue bombs, and was also trampled.) Deadpool had once shrunk the Rhino and trapped him in a plastic ball. If a simple tuna sandwich earned his wrath, then this could result in immediate death.
“‘Immediate death’ if you don’t have a healing factor.” Deadpool proclaimed. “Rhino, Rhino, Rhino. I just wanted to be friends. Extend the lovely arm stump of sharing. You ruined it with presumed thoughts of bloody murders.”
Bling! The doors opened, and the Joker walked in. “Hey, Louie, can I borrow some…Oh…..” He noticed what was going on. “I hate this place.”
Deadpool beamed. “You’re just in time, Jokey, old pal! Rhino, I know why you have anger issues. Your costume can’t come off, it makes you itchy, and you’re a grump. We can help!”
Joker looked confused. “I have no idea what he’s talking about.”
“We’re going to give you a new costume! 100% free! With 35% loans of $9.87, because my son did some bad things at Hogwarts!”
Rhino looked scared. “You have a son?”
“No.” Deadpool replied. “I’m referencing a story I read recently, to sound educated. It’s called an allusion. Or, in the case of Hogwarts, copyright infringement.”
The Joker spoke up. “You know, I’m woefully out of character right now. Can I leave for a second and come right back?”
Without waiting for a reply, he donned his trademark purple bowler cap and left. Precisely one second later, he ran in, covered with blood and wearing a straitjacket. “I NEARLY KILLED BATS! OKAY, LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED! A good murder attempt is always my way of starting the morning breakfast!”
“I have no idea what you just said, but you freaks are scaring me. I need to leave.” the Rhino complained. As he was edging towards the door, the Joker hit him with some Silly String. Then, Deadpool put a sack over his head, and pulled a bulldozer out of nowhere. The bulldozer sighed, and said, “I don’t think this is coming to the rescue. It looks more like a kidnapping.”
In an un-abandoned warehouse known as “Skip’s Potato Chips…
The foreman blew his whistle. “Okay, you lousy potat0 chip-making drones. Early lunch break today; Some guy in a red and black costume needs the space.”
BOOM! An earth-shattering crash destroyed much of the ceiling, crushing the workers. A tied-up Rhino fell down and squished the foreman. Deadpool looked down. “Aww. man! They were supposed to be gone by now!”
The Joker pulled out a pumpkin bomb. “Eh, we can blame it on Norman. Quick, get the radioactive plutonium!”
Five hours passed. The Rhino was poked, prodded, burned, mashed, salted, lightly buttered, drummed, fired, fried, lambasted, curdled, and fluglehorned. Finally, the Joker pulled off his costume, revealing his new one. The Rhino screamed like an idiot at a Bieber concert.
“Nice zinger against evil singers!” Deadpool said. “Also, I like the costume.”
The Rhino’s new costume was comprised entirely of burned potato chips, old sheet music copies of Skyfall, a dead skunk (still spraying stink), and a monkey wrench for a horn.
“This is great!’ Deadpool exclaimed. “We should offer this to other villains, and start a fashion show!”
“We can capture Batman, perform unspeakable acts on him, get a pony, and then trick people into thinking Superman is a brony!”
“What’s a brony?” Deadpool asked
“….I don’t know.” the Joker replied. “Some kid heard of it on TV Tropes and Saturday Night Live, and he wanted to mention it.”
Deadpool wearily shook his head. “I need to give you fourth-wall lessons. Anyway, let’s go door-to-door and convince people to buy our services. BUSINESS PARTNERS, AWAY!”
In Latveria…(Yeah, you probably know where this is going.)
“NO! Doom loves his green cape and armor! Doom will not let petty peasants such as you replace it! Doombots! Kill them!” Dr. Victor Von Doom screeched. “And where is my mask???”
“Actually,” the Joker said, “Deadpool has a healing factor, and I have Myself Immunity.”
Deadpool giggled. “Hey, I’m using Doom’s mask as a mirror! Let’s see what his real face looks like! I hope it’s not ugly. I can’t stand anyone who’s ugly!”
Dr. Doom was cowering behind his throne, using a paper bag to hide his face. “NOOOO!!!”
They dumped acid on the paper bag, and looked at Doom’s real face.
“Wow.” They were both stunned.
“That….that’s even uglier than me.” Deadpool admitted.
“He has worse scars than me, and I don’t want to know how he got them. ” the Joker said sadly.
A second later, they got over their remorse, and left to go search for more villains with bad costumes.
Hey, everyone! Special notice from Zach, the author of this story! I am Zachary Krishef, and I want to know if YOU can find all of my hidden references to other things in this story. I have one really subtle one. It was blatantly obvious at first, but I deleted a line. Basically, leave a comment below with a numbered list of everything I gave a shout out to! (That includes the one where I specifically mentioned the name.) Here’s a hint for the subtle one: Cartoon movie. 2004. I highly doubt that anyone will comment, as no one has before! Still, I have a small flickering beacon of hope. (And new subscribers with links to them that can be found HERE and HERE. SUBSCRIBE TO THEM!) The winner(s) of the contest will be mentioned in the next Joker and Deadpool story! Either that, or in a different story. There can be multiple winners, and the winner will also have the distinction of being the first winner of a Miscellaneous Soup contest in Miscellaneous Soup history! Have an excellent day!