Grunkle Stan Invades The DC Universe!! Chapter One: Throat Chapstick
“AAHHHHHHH!!!” Grunkle Stan sped toward the ground, having just been forcibly thrown from a jumbo jet. The pilot’s assistant checked to make sure that some airport attendants could catch him, then gave the pilot a thumb’s up. A red and blue blur quickly caught Grunkle Stan, then placed him onto a flimsy-looking trampoline. I guess Superman doesn’t stay out of Gotham. He then flew away, never to be seen again, unless he suddenly becomes important to the story.
Grunkle Stan shook his fist at the sky as he extricated himself from the trampoline. “Lousy, free-loading sky-hoggers! You try to take one extra bag of airplane peanuts, and they kick you out! I’m here on official business for some newspaper! Hey, where’s my luggage?” At that moment, a shredded, moldy briefcase bashed him on the skull, fulfilling the dual purposes of making him see pretty yellow canaries and cutting off his exposition. Cue the theme song.
(Grunkle Stan, Grunkle Stan; Steals whatever he thinks he can; Spin a lie at any time;Hide your valuables, it’s Grunkle Stan!) A cartoon image of Grunkle Stan’s wax head pops up, flips his eyepatch to another eye, and says, “That’s Stan!” **
Written By: MiscellaneousSoup
Animated By: MiscellaneousSoup
Produced By: MiscellaneousSoup
Directed By: MiscellaneousSoup
Starring Alex Hirsch as Grunkle Stan
Jimmy Fallon as Batman
Stephen Colbert as Lemony Narrator
Mark Hamill as the Joker
Co-Starring Some Hobo as Boe, Hairy, and Burly
Arleen Sorkin as Harley Quinn
And Starring…Bob Odenkirk as Wax Stan
**Theme Song: Subject to change at the author’s whim, whether from laziness or what’s funny at the moment.
Grumbling, Stan shambled around his temporary hometown. “Wow, this place is a dump!” He groused. Nearby, three criminals were beating a homeless man to death. “Such people! I should probably do something…Hey, a television studio! Old man powers, prepare to be activated!”
As he jauntily strode inside the studio, he noticed that several people were tied up, with miniature time bombs strapped to their feet. They motioned for him to free them. “Wow, these people are good method actors!” Grunkle Stan motioned to one of them. “You’re doing a great job! Hey, ya know where I can find a network executive? I have a great idea for a show! So, there’s this dog, and he’s dead-”
A nearby door slammed open, cutting off Stan’s disturbing idea for a kid’s sitcom. A strange man with vibrant green hair, chalk-white skin, and a distinguished purple business suit stepped out. Next to him stood a woman in a red and black jester’s suit, along with three gangsters. They were all carrying various amounts of lethal weaponry. What fun.
“Batman!” The man in white yelled. “That disguise is horrible! I expect more from you in our little tête-à-têtes! You look like a hideous old man!”
Grunkle Stan looked at the man in disbelief. “Bat-who? I’m Stanford Pines, business owner extraordinaire, master of mysticism, and all-around best guy in my hometown! You must be some network guy! You got three goonish-looking guys who remind me of old-timey comedians, and some lady dressed up like a checkerboard!”
The woman pulled a nasty-looking hammer from out of nowhere. “Watch what you say about my puddin’! Mistah J is the best guy in the world!”
Burly, the third goon, looked at the first. “Hey, what’s he talkin’ about, Boe? N’yerk, n’yerk, n’yerk!” The first goon slapped him. Hairy, the third thug, giggled, earning him a poke in the eye.
The man who appeared to be Mistah J stared at his subordinates with a look of fury. “Please…let me talk.” The goons quaked with fear, but the woman wielding the hammer stared at him with a nauseatingly-sweet smile. He turned back to Grunkle Stan, and started to pace around the room, humoring what he thought was Batman.
“I…am what you might call an agent of chaos. My chaos. I may have had scars at one point, but my life changes with every incarnation of myself that people think of. I spread rumors, you see. I am the laugh that follows you into your dreams…I am the spirit of insanity, spreading my special brand of humor all across this nightmarish town…I am-”
Batman burst through the door with a single kick, disarmed Harley, Boe, Burley, and Hairy with three Batarangs, destroyed the explosives, and disarmed all eleven of the hostages. All of this was done in precisely 13.5 seconds. Why? Because he’s Batman. Quickly, the hostages scurried out like rats in a maze, eager for freedom.
“Batman!” the Joker growled. “In that case, I truly have been talking to an old man! That wasn’t funny!” He ran at Batman with an clown knife, but was stopped by yet another Batarang. Batman tied the Joker up with a rope from his utility belt, and glared at Grunkle Stan.
“Hey.” Grunkle Stan said. “You’re a great acrobat! Have you ever thought about doing carnival tricks? Dipper and Mabel would love to see you! You can perform at my store.”
“Stop.” Batman intoned.
Grunkle Stan blinked. “Hey, what’s wrong with your voice? People say I’m raspy, you sound like a woodchipper! Want some Stan-Brand “Throat Chapstick?” They really work! No money back if you get a horrible disease, though.”
Batman shoved him against a wall. “You’re new here.” It wasn’t a question. “Be careful, and stay out of my way.” And with that, he vanished. A faint shadow could be seen outside, throwing a grappling hook at a building.
Grunkle Stan paused for a second, then resumed his search for the network executives. “Nice guy. Odd clothes, but still nice. I’ve got to tell Mabel and Dipper about him.”
Next Time: Grunkle Stan has another adventure in the DC universe! What is it? Let’s just say: Aily-Day Anet-Play! Grunkle Stan, Ace Reporter!