Rubber Duck 2: The Duckening


A/N: By a stroke of serendipity, I found out that today is Rubber Ducky Day! No, really. Seeing as I created a Harry Potter parody with the same name, I think that it would be appropriate if I made a sequel! Here’s the sequel, along with some goodies! Firstly, the sequel! I do not own Harry Potter, Sesame Street, or the surprise song that I parody.

 

Rubber Ducky 2: The Duckening

Previously On The Duckbill PotterVerse Saga…Fred and George simultaneously grinned. “We bootleg copies of that show all the time! Ah, those idiot Muggle children…Bless them!”  George produced a copy and handed it to Harry, who thanked them and left. As he did so, he wondered if they could smuggle a cursed version to Dudley…

 

As it turns out, dear reader, our beloved Mr. Potter did indeed send a copy to Dudley! It happened sometime after he showed Mr. Weasley the illegal clip. He procured one from Fred and George, and carefully tied it to Hedwig’s leg. Though Hedwig was a mere owl, he could swear that she gave him a knowing grin. With a whoosh, she left the Burrow, on her way to Smelting’s.

 

Meanwhile, Dudley was getting chewed out by the principal. “DURSLEY!” the principal yelled. “ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME???”

 

Dudley nodded, his lower lip quivering.

 

“DURSLEY! THIS IS THE FIFTH, I SAY, THE FIFTH TIME THAT YOUR GOLDARN HEAD HAS BROKEN THE PIPES OF OUR TOILETS! WHEN IT’S TIME FOR ‘FLUSHING 101’, I EXPECT YOU TO BUILD A TOILET BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD TO FIT IN! OUR TOILETS ARE TOO SMALL, AND YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUM!”

 

Dudley started to cry. It was intensely disturbing. Given his whale-like countenance and weight, it looked like he was about to imitate Tilikum, a whale that killed its trainer. Unfortunately for him, things were about to get a whole lot worse. How worse? Well, can you guess the weight of a bootlegged DVD, plus a cardboard box? Well, do it! As long as you’re going to waste your exam preparation time reading fanfiction, you might as well do something educational!

 

BUMP! An object roughly the weight of a bootlegged DVD and a cardboard box whacked Principal Nameless in the noggin. “OW!” he unnecessarily blurted. “WHAT IN THE SWEAR WORD WAS THAT?? DURS-LEY! I AM INCAPABLE OF NOT YELLING, BUT YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BREAK MY FAMILY’S CURSE OF ETERNAL LOUDNESS, JUST SO I CAN SUDDENLY SHOCK YOU BY YELLING! SEE WHAT YOU DID??? YOU JUST PROVOKED O.O.C. IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, BECAUSE I HATE. TO. STOP. YELLING!!!!!!!!”

 

Dudley was forced to scrub the latrines.

 

THE END

 

A/N: Ah, wasn’t that lovely? In case you didn’t get it, the toilet references were not meant to be overtly vulgar. A (paraphrased, as I don’t have my books with me) line from the series involving Harry telling Dudley that the toilets “most likely haven’t had anything as foul as his head in them.” Phooey, that had to be paraphrased. I’m losing my Harry Potter trivia street cred. Also, that was an example of the trope “Don’t Explain The Joke.” Anyway, the joke is that it’s ironic, or something like that. Now, I will reveal my alternate ending! (And, yes, that whale did kill someone. Look it up.)

 

Ron stared. “Blimey! He’s been watching that ‘Rubber Ducky’ video for the past five years, or so! He’ll say anything to get us to leave him alone!”

 

Voldemort burst into the room, his nose-less nostrils flaring. “Bring me the boy!” He looked at the Potters. “Well, well…Show yourself, Potter, or I’ll start killing!”

 

At that moment, Mr. Weasley stomped down the stairs, encased in a robotic rubber duck. Quickly, he pressed two buttons, booting up the flying capabilities, as well as a pretty cool sound track.

 

He’s got a power and a bill

That you’ve never seen before

He’s got the ability to morph

And quack up the score

 

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Mighty Morphin’ Duck Suit

 

He knows the fate of Harry is lying in his hands

His weapons only crush duck food

He loves to gulp it down

Yeah, he’s a little insane

 

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

You mighty quackin’ Duck Suit!

 

No one can ever take him down

The power lies through his bill

 

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

You’re…eating his brain?

 

Hey, dude, that ain’t cool, man!

Duck’s don’t cannabalize!

No, no, Weasley’s Duck Suit!

 

Mr. Weasley stood up, triumphantly. “Silence, my omnipresent artificial intelligence/soundtrack! I did not eat the vile villain, I merely trapped him inside the duck suit! As I speak, my DuckDroids are searching out the rest of his Horcruxes and killing them!

 

In the background, Nagini ran like a frightened bunny as a DuckDroid chased after her. Feel free to add your own Yakety Sax.

 

Mr. Weasley stood there and checked his watch. A minute later, the DuckDroid returned with Nagini’s severed head. “Good job, minion! And now I must go! The life of Rubber Ducky Man is never a life of rest! GOODBYE!” And like the large ham he was, Arthur “Rubber Ducky Man” Weasley flew off to parts unknown.

Harry was no longer the Chosen One. Instead, he sold used cars. Ron and Hermione decided to marry and start a bookstore. Grunkle Stan would not make any more cameos in this story, except for the silent one he made earlier. Rubber Ducky Man would drop Voldemort into the Ministry of Magic, where he would be given a full trial…NAH! Voldy was shot on sight. Meanwhile, Peeves became the new and permanent replacement for Rufus Scrimgeour. Finally, Dudley would soon graduate from Sesame Street and move on to Barney. He was shot on sight.

 

THE END

A/N: Nice parody of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers theme song, right? And I don’t even watch it! (Thanks to AT4W for introducing me to it! Without the references, I wouldn’t know what to parody.) The song is a Crowning Music Of Awesome, right? Make sure to put it in the YMMV section, after this story is put in the TV Tropes Fanfiction Recommendations section for Crack/Humor Harry Potter stories. And, if that won’t work, then you can put it in the main section, because I find it to be worthy in-universe, and I’m a character! Fridge Brilliance? (NAH!) Egotistical author/narrator OUT, peace!

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