A/N: Please don’t be too harsh in the comments. I love reading Harry Potter, but I also like making parodies. I don’t own Sesame Street’s “Rubber Ducky” and I don’t own Harry Potter.
In the film universe of Harry Potter, the actor for one such Mr. Weasley said this humorous line. “What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?” Let us travel to an alternate dimension where Mr. Weasley received his answer…
Harry stared at Mr. Weasley. “Erm…What do you mean, sir?”
Mr. Weasley spoke with the air of a Muggle magician. “The rubber duck! I have heard tales of it, but I am not sure of the function. Do Muggles use it as some sort of talisman or good-luck charm?”
Harry thought for a second. “I’m not really sure how to explain. Oh!” He snapped his fingers. “D’you know where Fred and George are?”
Mrs. Weasley glared. “Before we start the de-gnoming, I told them to clean their rooms.”
Harry thanked Mrs. Weasley and ran upstairs. He cautiously knocked on their door. “Fred? George? You in there?” The door opened and an arm pulled Harry inside, accidentally knocking his glasses off. As Harry put them back on, he saw that their room was filled with gadgets and doodads; steaming, hissing, frothing, boiling, and squirming. One was even breathing, by the looks of it.
“What’s up, Harry?” Fred asked.
“Well, I’m looking for a certain video. I’m not sure how to say it.” Harry leaned forward and whispered the name.
Fred and George simultaneously grinned. “We bootleg copies of that show all the time! Ah, those idiot Muggle children…Bless them!”
George produced a copy and handed it to Harry, who thanked them and left. As he did so, he wondered if they could smuggle cursed version to Dudley.
After Harry went into the kitchen, he immediately set the video down in front of Mr. Weasley. After explaining what a DVD actually is, Mr. Weasley flicked his wand and a DVD player soared inside of the Burrow. (Miles away, Dudley cursed.)
Harry pressed the remote, and the video began playing. “Rubber ducky, rubber ducky!” sang a little voice.
Mr. Weasley clapped his hands. “Oh, how delightful! Those puppets- I assume that they’re fake? Fred and George used similar tactics to annoy Percy last summer. Molly didn’t like it, but I found it to be very impressive. Tell me, Harry, could I borrow this video?” Harry responded in the affirmative, so Mr. Weasley gleefully brought the machinery up to his bedroom.
Several months later, Harry stopped by the Burrow for a visit. Mrs. Weasley greeted him with tired eyes. “Hello, my dear. Sorry for the mess, but Arthur’s been obsessed with some Muggle show. He has it on a loop, and I can’t bear the awful thing. I’ve been sleeping in the attic. The ghoul doesn’t like it, but he’s much quieter than hearing about rubber ducks.”
Harry paused. “I’ll talk to him.” As he went upstairs, he found scribbles and paintings of rubber ducks marked on the walls, the doors, and even the ceiling. A wand was even scribbling a new one on Percy’s Prefect badge.
Cautiously, Harry opened the door. Immediately, the sounds of “Rubber Ducky” slammed into his ears. Mr. Weasley was sitting on the bed, watching the video eagerly. He had grown an obscenely long beard, and multiple food bags were strewn amongst piles of filthy clothes. (So, in essence, your average college dorm room.)
“Mr. Weasley!” Harry gasped. “You’re watching the video again?”
“I never stopped.” Mr. Weasley sighed. “I thought I knew what magic was. Now, I know that magic exists purely in the form of this song. How I wish I could go to Sesame Street.”
Harry shook his head and left the room. Some people and their obsessions…
Many years later…
Harry and the rest of his friends appeared in the Burrow, all disguised as Harry Potter.
“Quick, Harry!” Ron yelled. “Hide! Voldemort’s coming!”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Ron. Mr. Weasley said he would put up a magical dome that Voldemort wouldn’t be able to pass through.”
Ron stared. “Blimey! He’s been watching that ‘Rubber Ducky’ video for the past five years, or so! He’ll say anything to get us to leave him alone!”
Voldemort burst into the room, his nose-less nostrils flaring. “Bring me the boy!” He looked at the Potters. “Well, well…Show yourself, Potter, or I’ll start killing!”
Just as he was about to kill Ron, Mr. Weasley stomped downstairs. “Hey, could you keep it down? I’m trying to watch Sesame Street! They’re doing a marvelous parody of some American superhero play!”
Voldemort looked interested. “What is this…Sesame Street? Could it lead me to eternal glory and power?”
Mr. Weasley motioned for him to come upstairs. “Only one way to find out, mate! Come upstair and watch it with me!”
Five minutes later, Harry had gathered up the nerve to go upstairs after them. Cautiously, he passed even more duck scribbles and opened the door, only to find Voldemort and Mr. Weasley chugging down firewhiskey and drunkenly singing “Rubber Ducky” together.
“Hey, Harry!” Voldemort slurred. “Come in an’ have a drink with us! You’re seventeen, ‘s okay!”
Mr. Weasley grinned. “‘Rubber Ducky’ is the song of peace and friendship!’” He clinked glasses with Voldemort and they drank.
Harry stood, flabbergasted. He took his glasses off, polished them, and put them back on. After a few minutes of astonished staring, he only had this to say. “I quit!”
Ron and Hermione watched as Harry stormed out of the room, summoned a car, and drove away, scattering a crowd of curious gnomes.
At that moment, Mr. Weasley procured a rubber duck. “Voldemort, “ he mumbled. “D’you want this token of my appreciation for watching this with me?”
Voldemort began to cry. “I would be honored, you dirty Mudblood!”
Mr. Weasley winked and pressed a button on the duck. A large machete flew out and impaled Voldemort!
And, so, in the coming months, the rubber duck would get a statue in every Wizarding town, become the new face of Muggle-wizard relations, the new Chosen One, and the new face of Fred and George’s business! (They both survive in this world. Mundungus had his ear chopped off AND died, but nobody cared.) As for Harry Potter, he started a new job, working for Hollywood. Everyone lived happily after after!