(Da-da-da-da, da da. News Update With Zarion and Tigerboy)
Zarion: I am Zarion Kreena.
Tigerboy: And I am Tigerboy. Here are the night’s top stories.
Zarion: Well, the Apocalypse may come, tomorrow. Here, with his take, is The Apocalypse.
The Apocalypse: Hey, dudes! I’m going to kill you all!
Zarion: How are you planning you kill us?
Apocalypse: FIrst, I might bring back the plague. Also, remember Y2K? SURPRISE! I’m bringing it back! Be very scared…..AHAHAHHA.
Apocalypse: Well, I’m going to bring the usual volcanoes and lighting. THat storm going on right now?? A little teaser. Trust me, you DO NOT want to miss what’s next.
Zarion: Endless rain?
Zarion: Why are you plotting to destroy us, anyway?
Apocalypse: Well, my wife is cheating on me.
Zarion: Your wife?
Apocalypse: Yeah, the personification of Death. SHe left me for Thanos.
Zarion: Well, I can tell you that a sequel to The Avengers is being made by Joss Whedon. You never know, it may have Thanos getting his commeupance.
Apocalypse: WOO! Well, I quit. See you later, chumps! I’ll be back…on March 13, 2015. MWUAHHAHAAHAH!
Zarion: Uh, oh….
Tigerboy: Today is the 200th anniversary of Grimm’s Fairy Tales. Unfortunately, to most of the kids today, it’s known as HOLY (BLEEP) WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE DAY!
Zarion: A man attacked a college woman with a sock full of feces last week in Chicago. Police are still searching for -(sniffs) What is that disgusting smell?
Tigerboy: (quickly) NOTHING. (sprays self with cologne) Denver has made ‘Goosinators’ that would allegedly drive away geese. In future news, geese have built a “Human-inator.”
Zarion: Justin Bieber has been accused of animal cruelty by TMZ. Apparently, the cruelty was torturing a squirrel and training it to act as hair.
Tigerboy: The hit TV show Glee and former Star Trek actor George Takei are going to be featured in the Archie Comics. Did you hear that? It’s the collective comic-book industry having no competition.
Zarion: The last batch of Twinkies is rapidly being sold. Oh, that’s horrible. No more snack foods. Well, it’s not like the world is going to end. Oh, wait. IT IS.
Tigerboy: If the world does not end, Miscellaneous Soup can not be sued for mental distress, Twinkie eating binges, or rampant nose hair growth. In some political news, the second plan for resolving the fiscal cliff has gone down the drain. This calls for My Plan. (trumpet noises) Step One. Get my powers. Healing factor, that eliminates health care. Sense of humor, that eliminates….Something…Step 2. Cut the Twilight budget. No more steps.
Zarion: The reality show Jersey Shore is ending. Now, parents are assured that their children can watch quality programming like…..like….Scratch that. There is no more quality programming.
Tigerboy: A married couple in the Netherlands has bought a lifeboat for the supposed apocalyptic floods. Here to comment, their teenage daughter.
Teenage Daughter: Like, hi. I am so totally embarrassed by my geeky parents! Like, they really, like, think that the world is going to end. What are my friends going to think when they drive up to my house, and, like, see a gigantic boat taking up space, with, like, food in it, and junk. Plus, what is my boyfriend John going to think when we go to prom together, and, like, he sees the huge boat, and, like, says “Hey, dude. What is that thing?”
Tigerboy: Excuse me, but you mentioned prom. That implies that you do not believe that the world will end.
Teenage Daughter: Well, duh. Catching Fire won’t be out, yet. I want to see it!!!!!!!!!!
Tigerboy: Okay, I think we’ve heard enough. Teenage Daughter, everybody!
Zarion: Last Friday, a terrible shooting at Sandy Hooks in Newtown, Connecticut occured. Please join us in a moment of silence for the victims.
(One minute passes of full silence.)
Tigerboy: From News Update, I am Tigerboy,
Zarion: And I am Zarion Kreena. Good night, and have a happy, non-apocalyptic tomorrow. No joke.