BOOK REVIEW: Before I Fall, by Lauren Oliver


I like to read. I really don’t like to insult books that I don’t like, but I really want to talk about this one. The concept is okay. A girl dies in an alcohol-fueled heart attack, and wakes up the next morning, on the day of her death. She must find out why she has to relive her final day. The main problem is that I dislike her and her friends. This is going to sound brutal, but I think they they are just really bad people. I hesitate to use the word ‘horrible’, but I think that it may apply. They do cruel things every day and are incredibly obnoxious. The behavior doesn’t even change as the protagonist tries to find out why she is reliving the last day of her life.

Additionally, certain issues are covered in this book. I hesitate to say the names, because they are spoilers for the plot. One is only mentioned twice, and seemingly glossed over in the second appearance. The second issue takes up a good chunk of the book. The problem is that the main character does the same thing right at the end of the book!!! Hardly a spoiler!

Finally, the romantic plot is unnecessary, to me. The second portion of it does imply some character development for the main character, but it seems contrived and shoehorned. I just don’t like this book. I recommend it to you, just in case. According to a certain book, Before I Fall was well-received. Fine. They like it, I didn’t. Have an excellent day, I’m going to go read a better book.

Remembering JewWario


Justin Carmichael was a reviewer for thatguywiththeglasses.com, and later branched off to make his own videos. Yesterday, he passed away. He will be missed and remembered by all, whether it be by those who watched his videos under the moniker “JewWario”, or by those who knew him as Justin. RIP Justin. I wish I had watched your videos more often than I did.

 

Rubber Duck 2: The Duckening


A/N: By a stroke of serendipity, I found out that today is Rubber Ducky Day! No, really. Seeing as I created a Harry Potter parody with the same name, I think that it would be appropriate if I made a sequel! Here’s the sequel, along with some goodies! Firstly, the sequel! I do not own Harry Potter, Sesame Street, or the surprise song that I parody.

 

Rubber Ducky 2: The Duckening

Previously On The Duckbill PotterVerse Saga…Fred and George simultaneously grinned. “We bootleg copies of that show all the time! Ah, those idiot Muggle children…Bless them!”  George produced a copy and handed it to Harry, who thanked them and left. As he did so, he wondered if they could smuggle a cursed version to Dudley…

 

As it turns out, dear reader, our beloved Mr. Potter did indeed send a copy to Dudley! It happened sometime after he showed Mr. Weasley the illegal clip. He procured one from Fred and George, and carefully tied it to Hedwig’s leg. Though Hedwig was a mere owl, he could swear that she gave him a knowing grin. With a whoosh, she left the Burrow, on her way to Smelting’s.

 

Meanwhile, Dudley was getting chewed out by the principal. “DURSLEY!” the principal yelled. “ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME???”

 

Dudley nodded, his lower lip quivering.

 

“DURSLEY! THIS IS THE FIFTH, I SAY, THE FIFTH TIME THAT YOUR GOLDARN HEAD HAS BROKEN THE PIPES OF OUR TOILETS! WHEN IT’S TIME FOR ‘FLUSHING 101’, I EXPECT YOU TO BUILD A TOILET BIG ENOUGH FOR YOUR HEAD TO FIT IN! OUR TOILETS ARE TOO SMALL, AND YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR LAZY BUM!”

 

Dudley started to cry. It was intensely disturbing. Given his whale-like countenance and weight, it looked like he was about to imitate Tilikum, a whale that killed its trainer. Unfortunately for him, things were about to get a whole lot worse. How worse? Well, can you guess the weight of a bootlegged DVD, plus a cardboard box? Well, do it! As long as you’re going to waste your exam preparation time reading fanfiction, you might as well do something educational!

 

BUMP! An object roughly the weight of a bootlegged DVD and a cardboard box whacked Principal Nameless in the noggin. “OW!” he unnecessarily blurted. “WHAT IN THE SWEAR WORD WAS THAT?? DURS-LEY! I AM INCAPABLE OF NOT YELLING, BUT YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BREAK MY FAMILY’S CURSE OF ETERNAL LOUDNESS, JUST SO I CAN SUDDENLY SHOCK YOU BY YELLING! SEE WHAT YOU DID??? YOU JUST PROVOKED O.O.C. IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, BECAUSE I HATE. TO. STOP. YELLING!!!!!!!!”

 

Dudley was forced to scrub the latrines.

 

THE END

 

A/N: Ah, wasn’t that lovely? In case you didn’t get it, the toilet references were not meant to be overtly vulgar. A (paraphrased, as I don’t have my books with me) line from the series involving Harry telling Dudley that the toilets “most likely haven’t had anything as foul as his head in them.” Phooey, that had to be paraphrased. I’m losing my Harry Potter trivia street cred. Also, that was an example of the trope “Don’t Explain The Joke.” Anyway, the joke is that it’s ironic, or something like that. Now, I will reveal my alternate ending! (And, yes, that whale did kill someone. Look it up.)

 

Ron stared. “Blimey! He’s been watching that ‘Rubber Ducky’ video for the past five years, or so! He’ll say anything to get us to leave him alone!”

 

Voldemort burst into the room, his nose-less nostrils flaring. “Bring me the boy!” He looked at the Potters. “Well, well…Show yourself, Potter, or I’ll start killing!”

 

At that moment, Mr. Weasley stomped down the stairs, encased in a robotic rubber duck. Quickly, he pressed two buttons, booting up the flying capabilities, as well as a pretty cool sound track.

 

He’s got a power and a bill

That you’ve never seen before

He’s got the ability to morph

And quack up the score

 

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Mighty Morphin’ Duck Suit

 

He knows the fate of Harry is lying in his hands

His weapons only crush duck food

He loves to gulp it down

Yeah, he’s a little insane

 

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

You mighty quackin’ Duck Suit!

 

No one can ever take him down

The power lies through his bill

 

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

Go Go Weasley’s Duck Suit

You’re…eating his brain?

 

Hey, dude, that ain’t cool, man!

Duck’s don’t cannabalize!

No, no, Weasley’s Duck Suit!

 

Mr. Weasley stood up, triumphantly. “Silence, my omnipresent artificial intelligence/soundtrack! I did not eat the vile villain, I merely trapped him inside the duck suit! As I speak, my DuckDroids are searching out the rest of his Horcruxes and killing them!

 

In the background, Nagini ran like a frightened bunny as a DuckDroid chased after her. Feel free to add your own Yakety Sax.

 

Mr. Weasley stood there and checked his watch. A minute later, the DuckDroid returned with Nagini’s severed head. “Good job, minion! And now I must go! The life of Rubber Ducky Man is never a life of rest! GOODBYE!” And like the large ham he was, Arthur “Rubber Ducky Man” Weasley flew off to parts unknown.

Harry was no longer the Chosen One. Instead, he sold used cars. Ron and Hermione decided to marry and start a bookstore. Grunkle Stan would not make any more cameos in this story, except for the silent one he made earlier. Rubber Ducky Man would drop Voldemort into the Ministry of Magic, where he would be given a full trial…NAH! Voldy was shot on sight. Meanwhile, Peeves became the new and permanent replacement for Rufus Scrimgeour. Finally, Dudley would soon graduate from Sesame Street and move on to Barney. He was shot on sight.

 

THE END

A/N: Nice parody of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers theme song, right? And I don’t even watch it! (Thanks to AT4W for introducing me to it! Without the references, I wouldn’t know what to parody.) The song is a Crowning Music Of Awesome, right? Make sure to put it in the YMMV section, after this story is put in the TV Tropes Fanfiction Recommendations section for Crack/Humor Harry Potter stories. And, if that won’t work, then you can put it in the main section, because I find it to be worthy in-universe, and I’m a character! Fridge Brilliance? (NAH!) Egotistical author/narrator OUT, peace!

Rubber Duck: A Harry Potter Stor


A/N: Please don’t be too harsh in the comments. I love reading Harry Potter, but I also like making parodies. I don’t own Sesame Street’s “Rubber Ducky” and I don’t own Harry Potter.

In the film universe of Harry Potter, the actor for one such Mr. Weasley said this humorous line. “What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?” Let us travel to an alternate dimension where Mr. Weasley received his answer…

Harry stared at Mr. Weasley. “Erm…What do you mean, sir?”

Mr. Weasley spoke with the air of a Muggle magician. “The rubber duck! I have heard tales of it, but I am not sure of the function. Do Muggles use it as some sort of talisman or good-luck charm?”

Harry thought for a second. “I’m not really sure how to explain. Oh!” He snapped his fingers. “D’you know where Fred and George are?”

Mrs. Weasley glared. “Before we start the de-gnoming, I told them to clean their rooms.”

Harry thanked Mrs. Weasley and ran upstairs. He cautiously knocked on their door. “Fred? George? You in there?” The door opened and an arm pulled Harry inside, accidentally knocking his glasses off. As Harry put them back on, he saw that their room was filled with gadgets and doodads; steaming, hissing, frothing, boiling, and squirming. One was even breathing, by the looks of it.

“What’s up, Harry?” Fred asked.

“Well, I’m looking for a certain video. I’m not sure how to say it.” Harry leaned forward and whispered the name.

Fred and George simultaneously grinned. “We bootleg copies of that show all the time! Ah, those idiot Muggle children…Bless them!”

George produced a copy and handed it to Harry, who thanked them and left. As he did so, he wondered if they could smuggle cursed version to Dudley.

After Harry went into the kitchen, he immediately set the video down in front of Mr. Weasley. After explaining what a DVD actually is, Mr. Weasley flicked his wand and a DVD player soared inside of the Burrow. (Miles away, Dudley cursed.)

Harry pressed the remote, and the video began playing. “Rubber ducky, rubber ducky!” sang a little voice.

Mr. Weasley clapped his hands. “Oh, how delightful! Those puppets- I assume that they’re fake? Fred and George used similar tactics to annoy Percy last summer. Molly didn’t like it, but I found it to be very impressive. Tell me, Harry, could I borrow this video?” Harry responded in the affirmative, so Mr. Weasley gleefully brought the machinery up to his bedroom.

Several months later, Harry stopped by the Burrow for a visit. Mrs. Weasley greeted him with tired eyes. “Hello, my dear. Sorry for the mess, but Arthur’s been obsessed with some Muggle show. He has it on a loop, and I can’t bear the awful thing. I’ve been sleeping in the attic. The ghoul doesn’t like it, but he’s much quieter than hearing about rubber ducks.”

Harry paused. “I’ll talk to him.” As he went upstairs, he found scribbles and paintings of rubber ducks marked on the walls, the doors, and even the ceiling. A wand was even scribbling a new one on Percy’s Prefect badge.

Cautiously, Harry opened the door. Immediately, the sounds of “Rubber Ducky” slammed into his ears. Mr. Weasley was sitting on the bed, watching the video eagerly. He had grown an obscenely long beard, and multiple food bags were strewn amongst piles of filthy clothes. (So, in essence, your average college dorm room.)

“Mr. Weasley!” Harry gasped. “You’re watching the video again?”

“I never stopped.” Mr. Weasley sighed. “I thought I knew what magic was. Now, I know that magic exists purely in the form of this song. How I wish I could go to Sesame Street.”

Harry shook his head and left the room. Some people and their obsessions…

Many years later…

Harry and the rest of his friends appeared in the Burrow, all disguised as Harry Potter.

“Quick, Harry!” Ron yelled. “Hide! Voldemort’s coming!”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Honestly, Ron. Mr. Weasley said he would put up a magical dome that Voldemort wouldn’t be able to pass through.”

Ron stared. “Blimey! He’s been watching that ‘Rubber Ducky’ video for the past five years, or so! He’ll say anything to get us to leave him alone!”

Voldemort burst into the room, his nose-less nostrils flaring. “Bring me the boy!” He looked at the Potters. “Well, well…Show yourself, Potter, or I’ll start killing!”

Just as he was about to kill Ron, Mr. Weasley stomped downstairs. “Hey, could you keep it down? I’m trying to watch Sesame Street! They’re doing a marvelous parody of some American superhero play!”

Voldemort looked interested. “What is this…Sesame Street? Could it lead me to eternal glory and power?”

Mr. Weasley motioned for him to come upstairs. “Only one way to find out, mate! Come upstair and watch it with me!”

Five minutes later, Harry had gathered up the nerve to go upstairs after them. Cautiously, he passed even more duck scribbles and opened the door, only to find Voldemort and Mr. Weasley chugging down firewhiskey and drunkenly singing “Rubber Ducky” together.

“Hey, Harry!” Voldemort slurred. “Come in an’ have a drink with us! You’re seventeen, ‘s okay!”

Mr. Weasley grinned. “‘Rubber Ducky’ is the song of peace and friendship!’” He clinked glasses with Voldemort and they drank.

Harry stood, flabbergasted. He took his glasses off, polished them, and put them back on. After a few minutes of astonished staring, he only had this to say. “I quit!”

Ron and Hermione watched as Harry stormed out of the room, summoned a car, and drove away, scattering a crowd of curious gnomes.

At that moment, Mr. Weasley procured a rubber duck. “Voldemort, “ he mumbled. “D’you want this token of my appreciation for watching this with me?”

Voldemort began to cry. “I would be honored, you dirty Mudblood!”

Mr. Weasley winked and pressed a button on the duck. A large machete flew out and impaled Voldemort!

And, so, in the coming months, the rubber duck would get a statue in every Wizarding town, become the new face of Muggle-wizard relations, the new Chosen One, and the new face of Fred and George’s business! (They both survive in this world. Mundungus had his ear chopped off AND died, but nobody cared.) As for Harry Potter, he started a new job, working for Hollywood. Everyone lived happily after after!
THE END

Why Make Fun Of Michael Bay?


I’ve recently been hearing stories about Michael Bay and a conference. From what I have heard, his teleprompter gave out, and he left the room. Why make fun of him for that? I’ve also had issues with public speaking. It’s not easy, especially when something goes wrong. Additionally, he may be under a lot of stress. I just wanted to quickly say something about it. Have a nice day, and stay safe!